*None of that bullshit that they tell you in your college success courses that you took because they were an easy A and your freshman advisor insisted were necessary to do well in university. Throughout my life – which has been relatively short in today’s terms but relatively long in Medieval, pre- Germ Theory… Read More Number One Tip For A Successful Day*
Recent advances in the field of genealogy have provided overwhelming evidence that shows Bernie Sanders, presidential candidate, was switched at birth with Clarence Edward Sanders, the alleged younger brother of Harland “Colonel” Sanders. Colonel reporters recently interviewed Makupa Histrie, one of the genealogy interns involved in the Sanders Project. “Well, the evidence we’ve found so… Read More When Genealogists Found This Searching Bernie Sanders’ Family History… They Couldn’t Believe Their Family Tree! Number Eleven Will Shock, Amaze, and PENETRATE Your BRAIN!!!
Alas, finals are upon us like the proverbial end times. As the hellfire doth raineth down, we at The Colonel have scoured the land for the finest advice to aid you in your time of need. Behold it and be blesséd. • Relax, take a breather. Wait, not that long! Welp, now you’ve failed your… Read More The Colonel’s Tips For Surviving Finals!
LEXINGTON, KY– This past Tuesday, UK Dining employees appealed an official complaint to Aramark, complaining that they have been having difficulties removing the emaciated (yet organically herbivorous) forms of dead vegans from the floor of Fresh Food Company. “We know that Aramark’s priorities focus on inconveniencing students as much as possible,” said the janitor organizing… Read More Janitors Tired Of Prying Starved Vegans Off Floor
LEXINGTON, KY- Last Tuesday, a group of UK climate researchers returned from a climatology research seminar and conference with some very bad news. They held a press conference on campus to share the conclusions that climatologists nationwide have reached. According to the scientists’ briefing, “We’re scientists, okay? So we can’t exactly tell you to, like,… Read More UK Climatologists: “Honestly, Climate Change Is Kinda Nice”
Thanksgiving Reports of Aaron Rodgers Swearing on Live Mic After Missed Snap Deemed False; Audio Confirmed to Actually be the Collective Consciousness of Enraged Fantasy Football Owners, YOU CLUMSY MOTHERFUCKER YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING – HOW ARE YOU NOT USED TO TAKING GODDAMN SNAPS? Local Granny Performs Clean Sweep at International Shot-Put Competition… Read More News In Brief: All The Sports That’s Fit To Sports
RAMALLAH, PALESTINE– Last month, noted historian and Israeli prime minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu released research on the history of the great tragedy that led to the creation of the State of Israel. Bibi’s research declared that Palestinians had been responsible for planting the idea of the Holocaust in Hitler’s mind in the 1930s. More recently,… Read More Palestine’s Secret – Mrs. Netanyahu Reveals!
LEXINGTON, KY– Students have wondered for literal years about the real purpose behind all of the construction taking place at the University of Kentucky, and now, thanks to some Very Legal Sneaky Spying—er, reporting—on the part of our writers, all has finally been revealed. As our star reporter crouched behind a pile of rubble with… Read More Capilouto Destroys Campus To Dig For Treasure
just connect the damn dots; it’s not that hard puzzle designed by Chris P. Bacon
TOPEKA, KS– It’s been several weeks since the controversial Supreme Court gay marriage ruling, yet the inevitable “holy wrath” of this travesty – foretold by a group of esteemed religious scholars – has yet to come to pass. “I’ll admit, at first we were stumped,” said Dr. Stewart Howitzer, PhD, of Christian Religious Theology from… Read More Gay Marriage Continues To Not Cause Apocalypse; Leading Christian Scholars Flummoxed