Newscasts

The (satirical) news of the week of October 6, 2016, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story about the hot debate between Matt Bevin and Andy Beshear, the trendy new Man Repellent spray, and the latests horoscopes by Madam Valooshaboob!

The (satirical) news of the week of April 29, 2016, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story about UK’s latest and greatest plans to improve Safety on campus, some hot pickup lines from Jeff, and a PSA from our dear Overlord, err, President.

The (satirical) news of the week of April 7, 2016, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story about UK’s newest plans to improve Safety on campus, an update on the fate of the ASL program, and a surprise horoscope guest!

The (satirical) news of the week of March 24, 2016, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story about Qdoba’s latest culinary creation, UK’s newest construction endeavor, and that one drug that doctors don’t want you to know about.

The (satirical) news of the week of March 3, 2016, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story about Leo’s latest Oscars win, the latest on Super Tuesday, and the most literary of horoscopes from our very own Madame V!

The (satirical) news of the week of February 25, 2016, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the hotest information on some of UK’s newest clubs, Steve Job’s opinion on the Apple and FBI debacle, and a juicy book excert from Gurrrrrrllllllxxxxxxxx<3<3’s newest novel.

The (satirical) news of the week of February 18, 2016, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on why UK is cutting the American Sign Language program, asserting your dominance over other students, the latest lip cosmetics, and the retiring of Madam V.

Click this link to sign the very real petition to prevent the very real prospect of UK cutting the ASL program: docs.google.com/document/d/1cnOaW…/edit?ts=56bd0857

The (satirical) news of the week of February 4, 2016, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on the latest democratic debate, an inside look at Governor Matt Bevin’s plans for Kentucky, Valentine’s Day dinning tips with Steph, and your weekly horoscopes!

The (satirical) news of the week of January 22, 2016, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on the new Star Wars movie, the latest democratic debate, Founding-Father-Flavored Nasal Spray, sexting tips with Steph, and your weekly horoscopes!

The (satirical) news of the week of November 21, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on a new fraternity, milk, UK’s newest available classes, quarks, H&R’s latest project, flirting tips with Steph, and your weekly horoscopes!

The (satirical) news of the week of November 14, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on the new Starbucks cups, a taxidermists-only dating website, dating tips with Steph and Spooky Sam, and your weekly horoscopes!

The (satirical) news of the week of November 7, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on the Kentucky governor’s election, bird flares, dating tips with Steph, and your weekly horoscopes!

The (satirical) news of the week of October 30, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real (and spooky) story on nearby haunted houses, UK’s Mind Bees, the harpy flares, and a great pumpkin pie recipe!

The (satirical) news of the week of October 24, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on Capilouto’s political influences, the new Star Wars movie, flirtation tips, and an exclusive interview with Hugh McMann, the star of the latest superhero movie Man-Man!

The (satirical) news of the week of October 16, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on the democratic debate, tips on picking up men, the next great superhero movie franchise: Man-Man, and an interview with Alexander Hamilton (inventor of the lightbulb and secretly married to Albert Einstein)!

The (satirical) news of the week of October 11, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on the new Angry Birds movie, the rogue parking structure that killed President Capilouto’s parents, and Itty Itty times Infinity Bitties, the new plushie sensation that’s microscopically gripping the nation!

The (satirical) news of the week of October 2, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on the water found on Mars, the new Snapchat filters, the blood moon, and dead pigs!

The (satirical) news of the week of September 24, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for the real story on the bear art installation, the Miss Universe pageant, the carousel at Fresh Foods, and printer-otica.

The (satirical) news of the week of September 18, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for an exclusive interview with a Victoria’s Secret employee, the rare blue-teeted mockswattle, language-learning with Duel-Lingo, and puppets.

The (satirical) news of the week of September 11, 2015, brought to you by the University of Kentucky’s only student-run satirical newspaper, The Colonel! Tune in here for tips and advice for freshmen, fries-n-flies at the Fresh Foods Company, horoscopes, nohomocycle accident reports, and scrotum cozies.

The very finest in satirical news from the week of September 3, 2015, brought to you by The Colonel! Tune in here for advice about football game day parking, the REAL reason why the tower dorms on South Campus are closed, an interview with William McKinley, the perks of being in a sorority, and Sardine Oreos.

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