China Expands Surveillance State

Hundreds protested in the streets of Beijing yesterday after the Chinese government announced plans to employ two million “public opinion analysts” with the duty of patrolling comments on social media websites. China has long been accused of stifling citizens’ freedom, especially that dealing with Internet access. The most famous incident occurred last spring, during the… Read More China Expands Surveillance State

Syria Bombs US

According to numerous sources, including The Colonel’s own foreign correspondent to the Pacific Northwest, Syria has just bombed Damascus, Oregon. The details appear to be fuzzy at this point, yet multiple reputable sources, including the Weekly World News, the Sun, the Sunday Sport, and the New York Times have corroborated, and are now working on… Read More Syria Bombs US

Imperialist Intervention (I.I.) Goes Surprisingly Well

President Barack Obama returned home to the White House late last Sunday after a long day of building his empire when he was surprised by an Imperialist Intervention. Many were in attendance: his closest friends Dick Cheney and Rupert Murdoch, his wife, distant relatives from Kenya, and even the Jonas Brothers (whom the young Obama… Read More Imperialist Intervention (I.I.) Goes Surprisingly Well

President Calipouto Outsources University

LEXINGTON, KY – In a surprise decision, UK President Eli Calipouto announced today that the entire university campus would be outsourced to southern China. Calipouto, who spoke at a news conference in a packed Memorial Hall, explained his decision: “Well uh…we uh…I understand…” Calipouto, after recharging his Alltech™ algae biofuel battery, unveiled the Committee to… Read More President Calipouto Outsources University

Pope Benedict Resigns, Cites Severe Case of Blue Balls as Reason for Resignation

VATICAN CITY – It has been about a month since the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI. There has been much speculation about his move, being the first pope to resign in centuries. Some have thought it was because of the church abuse scandals; others believed it was his deteriorating age. However, for the first time… Read More Pope Benedict Resigns, Cites Severe Case of Blue Balls as Reason for Resignation

U.S. Shifts Control of Drone Program from CIA to Pentagon to Teenagers

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Obama administration recently shifted control of its secret drone program from the CIA to the Pentagon. The Pentagon was already involved in supervising these internationally illegal extrajudicial executions of innocent civilians in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen, and Somalia, yet it decided the CIA needed more free time and energy to devote to… Read More U.S. Shifts Control of Drone Program from CIA to Pentagon to Teenagers

Archeologists Discover White Men Haven’t Been Able to Jump for Centuries

With a recently discovered trove of ancient Caucasian skeletons in central Africa, archeologists have been able to determine that white people have not been able to jump for centuries; at least, those are the results of some preliminary tests conducted on the Caucasian remains. Archeologists are considering this to be the honey hole of the… Read More Archeologists Discover White Men Haven’t Been Able to Jump for Centuries

U.S. Banks, Weapons Corporations, and Government Tired of Working with Violent Drug Cartels; Seeking to Break into New Markets

According to a new report, more than 250,000 guns are smuggled from the United States into Mexico every year.  Most of these guns end up in the hands of violent drug cartels, who then use them to kill innocent civilians and solidify their draconian chokehold on the populace. U.S. weapons corporations, however, are beginning to… Read More U.S. Banks, Weapons Corporations, and Government Tired of Working with Violent Drug Cartels; Seeking to Break into New Markets