New Origins of Humanity Revealed

MAMMOTH CAVE, KY- Last September, the momentous discoveries of Homo Naledi and Australopithecus Sediba rocked the anthropological world. However, a recent discovery by Paleoanthropologist Mitch Michaels has blown anthropologists away. Homo Naledi, recently thought to be our first ancestor of the genus Homo, has been replaced by Michaels’ new discovery. As evidenced by several fossilized… Read More New Origins of Humanity Revealed

UK Climatologists: “Honestly, Climate Change Is Kinda Nice”

LEXINGTON, KY- Last Tuesday, a group of UK climate researchers returned from a climatology research seminar and conference with some very bad news. They held a press conference on campus to share the conclusions that climatologists nationwide have reached. According to the scientists’ briefing, “We’re scientists, okay? So we can’t exactly tell you to, like,… Read More UK Climatologists: “Honestly, Climate Change Is Kinda Nice”

News In Brief: All The Sports That’s Fit To Sports

Thanksgiving Reports of Aaron Rodgers Swearing on Live Mic After Missed Snap Deemed False; Audio Confirmed to Actually be the Collective Consciousness of Enraged Fantasy Football Owners, YOU CLUMSY MOTHERFUCKER YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING – HOW ARE YOU NOT USED TO TAKING GODDAMN SNAPS? Local Granny Performs Clean Sweep at International Shot-Put Competition… Read More News In Brief: All The Sports That’s Fit To Sports

Palestine’s Secret – Mrs. Netanyahu Reveals!

RAMALLAH, PALESTINE– Last month, noted historian and Israeli prime minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu released research on the history of the great tragedy that led to the creation of the State of Israel. Bibi’s research declared that Palestinians had been responsible for planting the idea of the Holocaust in Hitler’s mind in the 1930s. More recently,… Read More Palestine’s Secret – Mrs. Netanyahu Reveals!

Gay Marriage Continues To Not Cause Apocalypse; Leading Christian Scholars Flummoxed

TOPEKA, KS– It’s been several weeks since the controversial Supreme Court gay marriage ruling, yet the inevitable “holy wrath” of this travesty – foretold by a group of esteemed religious scholars – has yet to come to pass. “I’ll admit, at first we were stumped,” said Dr. Stewart Howitzer, PhD, of Christian Religious Theology from… Read More Gay Marriage Continues To Not Cause Apocalypse; Leading Christian Scholars Flummoxed

The Colonel’s Presidential Candidate Profiles

Rand “Rando” Paul Who wants him to win: The NRA, my crazy uncle, 18th century anti-federalists Who wants him to lose: Ron Paul, so he’s not upstaged by his son. Favorite My Little Pony Character: Twilight Sparkle Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?” Paul: “Government-accountability-flavored.” Donald “2-Pay” Trump Who wants him to win: John Cena, Real Americans™ Who wants him… Read More The Colonel’s Presidential Candidate Profiles

U2 Album Incites Conversation, Talk of “Leprechaun-Minions”

Irish rock band U2 shocked fans September 9th with the release of their album Songs of Innocence. Through a partnership with BlackBerry, their new album is available to all BlackBerry users—for free! As part of a daring marketing move, U2 made an appearance at the 2014 unveiling of the BlackBerry -6. Lead singer Bono burst… Read More U2 Album Incites Conversation, Talk of “Leprechaun-Minions”