Fall Print Edition 2017
And tho it was finalized many months before, the heavens opened up and delivered a slightly stale but equally delicious satire paper. Digitally.
Category: Uncategorized
FULL PRINT EDITION SPRING 2017 AAAAAAHHHH
Spring-2017-Final
Horoscopes: Stare into the bleak void of your future existence!
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will do twice as well on your next test as you did the last one. Unfortunately, however, 0 times 2 is still 0. Which you would know, if you ever did any rudimentary level of studying. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) I can’t tell you your horoscope… Read More Horoscopes: Stare into the bleak void of your future existence!
Guest Column: WELCOME TO BUZZFEED
BUZZ BUZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZ bzzzzz! BUZZZ BZZ BUZZZZZZZ, BUUUUUZZZZZ buzz buzz buzzzzZZZZ BUZZ! BUZZZZ BZZZZ! BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ! Bzzz buzz bzzzzzzzz buuzzzzz buzz buzz, buzz BUZZZZZZZZ! I AM NEW WRITER! MY NAME IS BUZZ! I AM LOCAL WORKER! I AM FROM URBAN HIVE, IT IS HOW I GOT THIS JOB! IS A NICE JOB! THERE IS… Read More Guest Column: WELCOME TO BUZZFEED
Liar Continues to Lie
Last Tuesday, reporters were shocked to discover that a public figure known primarily for repeatedly and unabashedly lying to the public said something that was, in fact not true. “We’ve triple- and quadruple-checked this statement,” one incredulous reporter said, “and the facts just don’t add up. There is just no way to interpret this comment… Read More Liar Continues to Lie
Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?
Lexington, Ky- As we all know, the University of Kentucky has always been primarily celebrated for its breathtaking academic accomplishments, and this week has been no exception. Just last Friday, 18-year-old UK freshman Brad Bichroy seems to have completely negated prior studies in the field of economics by asking this one simple—yet revolutionary—question: Why don’t… Read More Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?
Local Man Discovers Home Depot Customer Service Representative He’s Been Speaking to For Months Is Not the Literal Embodiment of Home Depot Itself
This week, local man John Connolly received some truly shocking news. He had been in love, Madly in love. But, alas, having been misled, Mr. Connolly found himself hurt and confused. He told us his story in hopes that nobody else would have to endure the same level of devastation in their search for love.… Read More Local Man Discovers Home Depot Customer Service Representative He’s Been Speaking to For Months Is Not the Literal Embodiment of Home Depot Itself
New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends
LEXINGTON, KY- A shocking recent study published in the Journal of Benign Sciences claims to have shown that college students experience statistically and clinically significant positive effects by having access to meals on the weekends. The dietetics team has been working on this study for over a year now, having started— entirely by coincidence, they… Read More New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends
UK Officially Becomes An Oligarchy
Lexington, Ky- The honors program at UK has always had a certain air of prestige about it, granting fantastic privileges to students. The ability to take classes that aren’t at 5:00 in the morning. The ability to live in a dorm purged from the presence of all dishonorable students. The ability to freely visit dorms… Read More UK Officially Becomes An Oligarchy
Number One Tip For A Successful Day*
*None of that bullshit that they tell you in your college success courses that you took because they were an easy A and your freshman advisor insisted were necessary to do well in university. Throughout my life – which has been relatively short in today’s terms but relatively long in Medieval, pre- Germ Theory… Read More Number One Tip For A Successful Day*
The UK Colonel 