Category: U.S.

Legitimate Murders: The Body Has A Way Of Shutting Them Down

LEXINGTON, KY- Multiple female students have been claiming alleged murder on campus recently. Kelly Liarson, Sarah Misinterpretation, and Maria Forgery “narrowly escaped death” by gunshot on Friday afternoon outside of the 90 while openly flaunting their non-bulletproof clothing and the fact that they were unarmed. Victims were taken to University Hospital after the incident, but… Read More Legitimate Murders: The Body Has A Way Of Shutting Them Down

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Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely

THE ETHEREAL VOID BETWEEN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT, KY- In eerie political news this week, the nation’s top Ouija-The-People Staffers reported an alarming influx of paranormal political activity, most notably from the members of the esteemed historic group known as the Founding Fathers. Reportedly, the overall message appears to be “Oh God. I’m so… Read More Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely

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Park Ranger Diaries

The following are three journal entries from the group of rangers behind the Alternative National Park Service. These entries are the only remaining evidence that these brave people existed, for their bodies, homes, and families have been erased from history during Trump’s latest attack on valid information that doesn’t benefit business. Jan 24, 2017 Day… Read More Park Ranger Diaries

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The Official, Indisputable Political Alignment Quiz

You know all those online quizzes that categorize you based on your political opinions? Well, hate to burst your bubble, but they’re all fake. They’re just made up. None of them have any scientific methodology or authority behind them. EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE, THAT IS. Take the UK Colonel’s official quiz to find out what… Read More The Official, Indisputable Political Alignment Quiz

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Does Bernie Sanders Still Have a Chance?

Displayed is Sanders’ new “A Future to Believe In” slogan. This is representative of his new time-traveling campaign direction.   Even though Trump technically “won” the election, the fact of the matter is: Bernie Sanders still has a chance. Some scientists think that work on a time machine will be complete within the next month,… Read More Does Bernie Sanders Still Have a Chance?

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Obama Says, “What the Hell,” Appoints Himself U.S. Dictator-for-Life

In a completely unprecedented turn of events, Barack Obama, the previously lame-duck 44th President, has declared himself to be the first-ever “Dictator-for-Life” of the United States of America. “Welp,” said Obama in a private press conference while drinking a smoothie made of the blood of 83 Republicans, “the thing is, did people expect me to… Read More Obama Says, “What the Hell,” Appoints Himself U.S. Dictator-for-Life

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A BAD CASE OF TRUMPS: Disease Identification And Prevention

The recent lack of adequate autism vaccinations among the student body has caused several unexpected diseases to break out on campus this year. Measles and mumps both spread across campus like a tidal wave, albeit a tidal wave that would have been completely preventable had a sufficient number of us listened to modern science. But… Read More A BAD CASE OF TRUMPS: Disease Identification And Prevention

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