News In Brief: All The Sports That’s Fit To Sports

Thanksgiving Reports of Aaron Rodgers Swearing on Live Mic After Missed Snap Deemed False; Audio Confirmed to Actually be the Collective Consciousness of Enraged Fantasy Football Owners, YOU CLUMSY MOTHERFUCKER YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING – HOW ARE YOU NOT USED TO TAKING GODDAMN SNAPS? Local Granny Performs Clean Sweep at International Shot-Put Competition… Read More News In Brief: All The Sports That’s Fit To Sports

The Colonel’s Sports Section

Calipari Salary Surpasses Kentucky GDP “It’s a worthwhile investment in what we feel really matters in our university today,” affirms UK President Eli Capitalism. “Hell—maybe we’ll even allocate some money for our students to live in the stadium we just bought for the ungrateful little—” In related news, Calipari is now leading in state gubernatorial… Read More The Colonel’s Sports Section

Tearful LeBron Holds Press Conference Apologizing to Cleveland

LEXINGTON, KY – A visibly distressed LeBron James held a press conference earlier today to issue a heartfelt and tearful apology to the city of Cleveland. LeBron, looking dejected and downcast, stated that he has been repressing a deep-seated love for Cleveland, and that this has been digging away at his soul for over three… Read More Tearful LeBron Holds Press Conference Apologizing to Cleveland

Disobedient Professor Gets 15 Lashes for Failing to Bow to Calipari

LEXINGTON, KY – Physics professor Bryan Arnold was sentenced to get 15 lashes on the back Monday for failing to show proper respect to University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari after seeing him on campus. The charges, brought to light earlier last week, were deemed serious enough to be taken before UK’s Board of… Read More Disobedient Professor Gets 15 Lashes for Failing to Bow to Calipari