Thanksgiving Reports of Aaron Rodgers Swearing on Live Mic After Missed Snap Deemed False; Audio Confirmed to Actually be the Collective Consciousness of Enraged Fantasy Football Owners, YOU CLUMSY MOTHERFUCKER YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING – HOW ARE YOU NOT USED TO TAKING GODDAMN SNAPS? Local Granny Performs Clean Sweep at International Shot-Put Competition… Read More News In Brief: All The Sports That’s Fit To Sports
Calipari Salary Surpasses Kentucky GDP “It’s a worthwhile investment in what we feel really matters in our university today,” affirms UK President Eli Capitalism. “Hell—maybe we’ll even allocate some money for our students to live in the stadium we just bought for the ungrateful little—” In related news, Calipari is now leading in state gubernatorial… Read More The Colonel’s Sports Section
October is among us, and that can only mean one thing: Halloween. But before that, there’s UK’s favorite late-night event. Big Blue Madness. People will camp out in advance for about a week on the sidewalks surrounding Memorial Coliseum to get tickets to witness the first practice of the season for the Women’s Basketball team.… Read More Big Blue Madness Approaching
It is the beginning of another season, folks, and with it comes this year’s version of the Kentucky Wildcats. Touting an Air Raid offense behind the arm of Maxwell Smith and the legs of Jalen Whitlow, Kentucky lost their first game of the season to Western Kentucky, our lesser-known and slightly country cousins of the… Read More UK Loses to Western In One For the Ages
Lexington – Mark Stoops has begun his reign as the new University of Kentucky head football coach. With all the hype having surrounded his coming, the year kicked off with a less-than-stellar performance against Western Kentucky University, losing 26-35. Even though the win against Miami (Ohio) a week later pushed the WKU game to the… Read More Stoops to Recruit from CSF
LEXINGTON, KY – It is unfortunate that we did not get to enjoy another exhilarating March Madness run this season. That being said, it’s never too early to start getting excited about the next one. The Colonel looks at what has been deemed the number-one recruiting class of all time. Andrew Harrison. PG. 6’5’’ A… Read More Men’s Basketball 2013 Recruiting Class
LEXINGTON, KY – A visibly distressed LeBron James held a press conference earlier today to issue a heartfelt and tearful apology to the city of Cleveland. LeBron, looking dejected and downcast, stated that he has been repressing a deep-seated love for Cleveland, and that this has been digging away at his soul for over three… Read More Tearful LeBron Holds Press Conference Apologizing to Cleveland
PORTLAND, OR – Adidas has decided that neon camo is just not good enough for their fans. The solution? Lights. Following the success of their highlighter themed 2013 NCAA tournament uniforms, Adidas has announced that they will be releasing a fully-functioning LED uniform for next year’s tourney. Director of Marketing Matthew Franklin stated in a press release… Read More Adidas to Produce LED Uniform
LEXINGTON, KY – Physics professor Bryan Arnold was sentenced to get 15 lashes on the back Monday for failing to show proper respect to University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari after seeing him on campus. The charges, brought to light earlier last week, were deemed serious enough to be taken before UK’s Board of… Read More Disobedient Professor Gets 15 Lashes for Failing to Bow to Calipari
LEXINGTON, KY – UK basketball fans have the disappointing last season in the rear-view mirror with a promise of greatness coming from Coach John Calipari’s recruiting class for the 2013-14 season. Already, he has every number one recruit per position. But Cal’s selfish nature refuses to stop there. He is going after the number one… Read More Big Blue Sacrifice
The UK Colonel 