UK Climatologists: “Honestly, Climate Change Is Kinda Nice”

LEXINGTON, KY- Last Tuesday, a group of UK climate researchers returned from a climatology research seminar and conference with some very bad news. They held a press conference on campus to share the conclusions that climatologists nationwide have reached. According to the scientists’ briefing, “We’re scientists, okay? So we can’t exactly tell you to, like,… Read More UK Climatologists: “Honestly, Climate Change Is Kinda Nice”

Bevin Wins Governor’s Race, Fixes Kentucky

FRANKFORT, KY– This November, Kentuckians turned out to polls in the thousands hundreds ones in order to elect the next governor of Kentucky. This surging trickle of voters eager to actually participate in the democratic process chose Matt Bevin as Kentucky’s newest governor. Yes, out of the three candidates of Matt Bevin, Jack Conway, and… Read More Bevin Wins Governor’s Race, Fixes Kentucky

UK Dining Experiences Mixed Success With Projected Student Mortality Rates

LEXINGTON, KY– Aramark has released its fourth-quarter report at long last, letting investors (and, less intentionally, students) see the company’s success at meeting this semester’s goals for UK Dining. According to the report, one of the largest failures of UK Dining over the fall 2015 semester was the inability to keep up with the goals… Read More UK Dining Experiences Mixed Success With Projected Student Mortality Rates

GOP Candidates Forced To Prove Christianity To American Citizens

DES MOINES, IOWA– Citizens of America watched with bated breath this week as GOP candidates were forced by Syrian refugees to prove their Christianity before being allowed to progress any further in the presidential race. “Politicians are known to be vicious killers, murdering everything from bills that fund education and health for the masses to… Read More GOP Candidates Forced To Prove Christianity To American Citizens

The Colonel’s Presidential Candidate Profiles

Rand “Rando” Paul Who wants him to win: The NRA, my crazy uncle, 18th century anti-federalists Who wants him to lose: Ron Paul, so he’s not upstaged by his son. Favorite My Little Pony Character: Twilight Sparkle Colonel Reporter: “Favorite jellybean flavor?” Paul: “Government-accountability-flavored.” Donald “2-Pay” Trump Who wants him to win: John Cena, Real Americans™ Who wants him… Read More The Colonel’s Presidential Candidate Profiles

Taco Bell Runs Out of Secret Ingredient

LEXINGTON, KY– For the better part of a semester on campus, Taco Bell has supplied for students the savory, inexpensive, and “totally healthy” solution to their late-night Mexican food cravings. From its destination just inside the front doors of The 90, a line of eagerly anticipatory students can usually be seen wrapping around the perimeter… Read More Taco Bell Runs Out of Secret Ingredient

New Maxwell Place Tenements Offer Affordable Housing, Priceless Experience

LEXINGTON, KY– After the decision to close the Kirwan and Blanding towers for the fall semester, many have grown concerned about whether there is enough housing for all UK students. Fortunately, innovative thinking within UK Housing has brought about a solution: Maxwell Place Tenements. Dr. Capilouto has generously agreed to open up nearly all of… Read More New Maxwell Place Tenements Offer Affordable Housing, Priceless Experience

Trump Supporters Willing To Overlook Flaws

BIRMINGHAM, AL– To the astonishment of everybody, with the possible exception of Donald Trump, Donald Trump continues to gain favor within the American electorate. A Donald Trump rally last Sunday saw supporters frothing with fervor for their favorite presidential candidate. As Trump pulled up to the rally in his private helicopter-limo adorned with ads for… Read More Trump Supporters Willing To Overlook Flaws