FULL PRINT EDITION SPRING 2017 AAAAAAHHHH
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Category: Features
Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely
THE ETHEREAL VOID BETWEEN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT, KY- In eerie political news this week, the nation’s top Ouija-The-People Staffers reported an alarming influx of paranormal political activity, most notably from the members of the esteemed historic group known as the Founding Fathers. Reportedly, the overall message appears to be “Oh God. I’m so… Read More Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely
Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?
Lexington, Ky- As we all know, the University of Kentucky has always been primarily celebrated for its breathtaking academic accomplishments, and this week has been no exception. Just last Friday, 18-year-old UK freshman Brad Bichroy seems to have completely negated prior studies in the field of economics by asking this one simple—yet revolutionary—question: Why don’t… Read More Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?
New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends
LEXINGTON, KY- A shocking recent study published in the Journal of Benign Sciences claims to have shown that college students experience statistically and clinically significant positive effects by having access to meals on the weekends. The dietetics team has been working on this study for over a year now, having started— entirely by coincidence, they… Read More New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends
UK Officially Becomes An Oligarchy
Lexington, Ky- The honors program at UK has always had a certain air of prestige about it, granting fantastic privileges to students. The ability to take classes that aren’t at 5:00 in the morning. The ability to live in a dorm purged from the presence of all dishonorable students. The ability to freely visit dorms… Read More UK Officially Becomes An Oligarchy
PRINT EDITION FALL 2016
It’s here! Actually, it’s been here for a while, in print, but now it’s here, immortalized within the aether of the internet. CLICK HERE FOR SATIRE
Which UK Dining Restaurant Are You?
Uk’s campus is bursting with a variety of students, from the businesslike business major to to the Pre-Med-like Pre-Med student. It’s also bursting with a variety of flavors, from the soggy pizza of Fresh Food Co. to the slightly soggier soggy pizza of Blazer. Click below to see which of these flavors best fits you!… Read More Which UK Dining Restaurant Are You?
Bevin: “STOP BEING POOR”
FRANKFORT, KY — Hello there, fellow Kentuckians. As some of you may have heard, I’m your Governor now. I’d like to thank the hundreds tens ones of supporters who showed up to vote me into office. Now, I’ve heard there have been some rumors stirring among you unwashed masses about how I was elected with… Read More Bevin: “STOP BEING POOR”
The Colonel’s Favorite Gingerbread House Recipe
Gingerbread Ingredients: ½ cup, or seven sticks, butter. Microwave until soft, then suck until hard. ½ cup dark brown sugar. Should be dark enough that it might be mistaken for a criminal if it were to stroll harmlessly down the street in Ferguson, Missouri. 3 cups corn syrup—I don’t actually know what corn syrup is… Read More The Colonel’s Favorite Gingerbread House Recipe
Education For Young Ladies: Regarding The Fruitfulness Of Their Wombs
A Conversation With The Colonel Why hello there, sweetheart. Here at the UK Colonel, we like to say that we “safeguard the status quo,” and in my position as Colonel, I personally make sure that that quo doesn’t go to any parties with questionable figures, wearing miniature-skirts or somesuch. It has come to my attention… Read More Education For Young Ladies: Regarding The Fruitfulness Of Their Wombs
