Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely

THE ETHEREAL VOID BETWEEN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT, KY- In eerie political news this week, the nation’s top Ouija-The-People Staffers reported an alarming influx of paranormal political activity, most notably from the members of the esteemed historic group known as the Founding Fathers. Reportedly, the overall message appears to be “Oh God. I’m so… Read More Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely

Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?

Lexington, Ky- As we all know, the University of Kentucky has always been primarily celebrated for its breathtaking academic accomplishments, and this week has been no exception. Just last Friday, 18-year-old UK freshman Brad Bichroy seems to have completely negated prior studies in the field of economics by asking this one simple—yet revolutionary—question: Why don’t… Read More Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?

New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends

LEXINGTON, KY- A shocking recent study published in the Journal of Benign Sciences claims to have shown that college students experience statistically and clinically significant positive effects by having access to meals on the weekends. The dietetics team has been working on this study for over a year now, having started— entirely by coincidence, they… Read More New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends

The Colonel’s Favorite Gingerbread House Recipe

Gingerbread Ingredients: ½ cup, or seven sticks, butter. Microwave until soft, then suck until hard. ½ cup dark brown sugar. Should be dark enough that it might be mistaken for a criminal if it were to stroll harmlessly down the street in Ferguson, Missouri. 3 cups corn syrup—I don’t actually know what corn syrup is… Read More The Colonel’s Favorite Gingerbread House Recipe

Education For Young Ladies: Regarding The Fruitfulness Of Their Wombs

A Conversation With The Colonel Why hello there, sweetheart. Here at the UK Colonel, we like to say that we “safeguard the status quo,” and in my position as Colonel, I personally make sure that that quo doesn’t go to any parties with questionable figures, wearing miniature-skirts or somesuch. It has come to my attention… Read More Education For Young Ladies: Regarding The Fruitfulness Of Their Wombs