LEXINGTON, KY- Multiple female students have been claiming alleged murder on campus recently. Kelly Liarson, Sarah Misinterpretation, and Maria Forgery “narrowly escaped death” by gunshot on Friday afternoon outside of the 90 while openly flaunting their non-bulletproof clothing and the fact that they were unarmed. Victims were taken to University Hospital after the incident, but… Read More Legitimate Murders: The Body Has A Way Of Shutting Them Down
Lexington, Ky- As we all know, the University of Kentucky has always been primarily celebrated for its breathtaking academic accomplishments, and this week has been no exception. Just last Friday, 18-year-old UK freshman Brad Bichroy seems to have completely negated prior studies in the field of economics by asking this one simple—yet revolutionary—question: Why don’t… Read More Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?
LEXINGTON, KY- A shocking recent study published in the Journal of Benign Sciences claims to have shown that college students experience statistically and clinically significant positive effects by having access to meals on the weekends. The dietetics team has been working on this study for over a year now, having started— entirely by coincidence, they… Read More New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends
Lexington, Ky- The honors program at UK has always had a certain air of prestige about it, granting fantastic privileges to students. The ability to take classes that aren’t at 5:00 in the morning. The ability to live in a dorm purged from the presence of all dishonorable students. The ability to freely visit dorms… Read More UK Officially Becomes An Oligarchy
*None of that bullshit that they tell you in your college success courses that you took because they were an easy A and your freshman advisor insisted were necessary to do well in university. Throughout my life – which has been relatively short in today’s terms but relatively long in Medieval, pre- Germ Theory… Read More Number One Tip For A Successful Day*
Uk’s campus is bursting with a variety of students, from the businesslike business major to to the Pre-Med-like Pre-Med student. It’s also bursting with a variety of flavors, from the soggy pizza of Fresh Food Co. to the slightly soggier soggy pizza of Blazer. Click below to see which of these flavors best fits you!… Read More Which UK Dining Restaurant Are You?
Engineering assignments from EGR 101 and 102, which are taught in the Woodland Glen III dorm, have reportedly been postponed by one semester due to severe internet connectivity issues for all students. Students faced dropped connections during vital discussions of the meaning of “engineering,” and turned to the faculty for assistance. A Canvas update, posted… Read More Woodland Glen Wifi Shortage Causes Collapse of Civil Society As We Know It
Fears of an imminent third world war have resurfaced. Theorists claim that he primary battleground of this conflict is Holmes Hall. Room 811 residents Lexi Norman and Ava Lancaster have agreed upon a provisional treatise as an attempt to resolve their underlying issues. Speculators are hoping that this agreement may lead to a future era… Read More Holmes Hall Roommates Tentatively Cease fire
There are so many different parking passes you can buy to prepare for the school year. And so many different options. It’s of the UTMOST importance that you pick the exact right parking pass and follow all the rules. Here’s a little crash course on everything you need to know this year. Lots: K: You… Read More A Guide to Parking At UK: Because Even If You’re A Grad Student, It’s Confusing as Fuck
UK bookkeepers recently discovered that student fees were miscalculated for the Fall 2016 semester, resulting in a surplus of funds for the University. The University is as of yet undecided on where the funds will be allocated but has assured students that there will be “no take back-sies”. When reached for further comment, a representative… Read More University Administration in Response to Overcharging Students: “No Take-Backsies”