FULL PRINT EDITION SPRING 2017 AAAAAAHHHH
Spring-2017-Final
Author: coloneleditor
Legitimate Murders: The Body Has A Way Of Shutting Them Down
LEXINGTON, KY- Multiple female students have been claiming alleged murder on campus recently. Kelly Liarson, Sarah Misinterpretation, and Maria Forgery “narrowly escaped death” by gunshot on Friday afternoon outside of the 90 while openly flaunting their non-bulletproof clothing and the fact that they were unarmed. Victims were taken to University Hospital after the incident, but… Read More Legitimate Murders: The Body Has A Way Of Shutting Them Down
Horoscopes: Stare into the bleak void of your future existence!
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will do twice as well on your next test as you did the last one. Unfortunately, however, 0 times 2 is still 0. Which you would know, if you ever did any rudimentary level of studying. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) I can’t tell you your horoscope… Read More Horoscopes: Stare into the bleak void of your future existence!
Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely
THE ETHEREAL VOID BETWEEN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT, KY- In eerie political news this week, the nation’s top Ouija-The-People Staffers reported an alarming influx of paranormal political activity, most notably from the members of the esteemed historic group known as the Founding Fathers. Reportedly, the overall message appears to be “Oh God. I’m so… Read More Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely
Guest Column: WELCOME TO BUZZFEED
BUZZ BUZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZ bzzzzz! BUZZZ BZZ BUZZZZZZZ, BUUUUUZZZZZ buzz buzz buzzzzZZZZ BUZZ! BUZZZZ BZZZZ! BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ! Bzzz buzz bzzzzzzzz buuzzzzz buzz buzz, buzz BUZZZZZZZZ! I AM NEW WRITER! MY NAME IS BUZZ! I AM LOCAL WORKER! I AM FROM URBAN HIVE, IT IS HOW I GOT THIS JOB! IS A NICE JOB! THERE IS… Read More Guest Column: WELCOME TO BUZZFEED
Liar Continues to Lie
Last Tuesday, reporters were shocked to discover that a public figure known primarily for repeatedly and unabashedly lying to the public said something that was, in fact not true. “We’ve triple- and quadruple-checked this statement,” one incredulous reporter said, “and the facts just don’t add up. There is just no way to interpret this comment… Read More Liar Continues to Lie
ISIS Still Being Evil
ALEPPO, SYRIA- Residents of Aleppo, Syria were vaguely unenthusiastic about a bombing last Thursday that left three people dead, dozens injured, and the majority apathetic. This bombing marks exactly the umpteenth time that Isis has done something evil this week. “I mean, the first time they destroyed my home and my wife and kids, I… Read More ISIS Still Being Evil
Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?
Lexington, Ky- As we all know, the University of Kentucky has always been primarily celebrated for its breathtaking academic accomplishments, and this week has been no exception. Just last Friday, 18-year-old UK freshman Brad Bichroy seems to have completely negated prior studies in the field of economics by asking this one simple—yet revolutionary—question: Why don’t… Read More Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?
Local Man Discovers Home Depot Customer Service Representative He’s Been Speaking to For Months Is Not the Literal Embodiment of Home Depot Itself
This week, local man John Connolly received some truly shocking news. He had been in love, Madly in love. But, alas, having been misled, Mr. Connolly found himself hurt and confused. He told us his story in hopes that nobody else would have to endure the same level of devastation in their search for love.… Read More Local Man Discovers Home Depot Customer Service Representative He’s Been Speaking to For Months Is Not the Literal Embodiment of Home Depot Itself
New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends
LEXINGTON, KY- A shocking recent study published in the Journal of Benign Sciences claims to have shown that college students experience statistically and clinically significant positive effects by having access to meals on the weekends. The dietetics team has been working on this study for over a year now, having started— entirely by coincidence, they… Read More New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends
