ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
You will do twice as well on your next test as you did the last one. Unfortunately, however, 0 times 2 is still 0. Which you would know, if you ever did any rudimentary level of studying.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
I can’t tell you your horoscope here, Taurus. It’s not safe. They’re listening. Don’t worry, I’ll whisper it into your ear, along with the codes, later tonight, right before you fall asleep.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
You’re going to Gemi-die this month. Don’t worry about it, though. It’s funny, you see, because of the wordplay.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Given the recent withdrawal of mining regulations, you’re going to spread about through all of Eastern Kentucky, prospering and…wait, no… that’s the astrological reading for the disease cancer. My bad. As for you…you’ll probably be okay this next month, I guess. Unless you live in Eastern Kentucky. In which case you’ll get cancer.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
You’re going to spread throughout all of the U.S., prospering and… wait, no… this is the astrological sign for metaphorical cancer, as it pertains to the political situation in the U.S. My bad. Here’s your actual horoscope: you should leave the country. Move to like Finland or something. Actually, no, not Finland; that’s getting invaded by Russia soon. Move to Mexico, while you still can.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
You’re going to read the next sentence I write in this box. And then the next. This one, too. Wow. The predictive powers of astrology are just amazing, are they not? Also, don’t look behind you.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
This coming month, whenever you’re sitting alone in your room, you should make a habit of saying, “I know you’re watching me.” Say it every fifteen minutes or so. I’m not sure whether or not they will be, but, you know, just in case.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing will happen to you this month, because nothing ever happens to you, because you never do anything with your life. And no, doing things with your Life cereal doesn’t count; and furthermore your neighbors really don’t appreciate those life-sized Life cereal statues of them you’ve been leaving around their yard.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Your future will be showered with riches. Metaphorical riches, that is, like the power of friendship or some shit. Literally, you’re a college student; you’ve been caught three times trying to smuggle extra yogurt out of Fresh Food Co. in your pockets. You will be straight-up broke for the forseeable future, and much of the unforseeable future, as well.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your financial future seems slightly moist. Not metaphorically though, literally. Try not to sweat so much during your financial transactions.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
You’re just moist. Sorry. Next time, try to have a less wet-sounding astrological sign.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
You are a fish. Look at those fish, just bein’ fish, fishin’ about. Aren’t they silly?