Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely


In eerie political news this week, the nation’s top Ouija-The-People Staffers reported an alarming influx of paranormal political activity, most notably from the members of the esteemed historic group known as the Founding Fathers. Reportedly, the overall message appears to be “Oh God. I’m so sorry. This is…not what we meant,” with varying details from ghost to ghost.

“I know a mere apology cannot redeem what has been lost in this most difficult of elections, but oh my god, that is not even close to what we thought the Electoral College would do. Like, seriously,” a deceased George Washington declared. “The whole point was making sure that a dictator couldn’t just fucking take hold of the country with his tiny, tiny hands and never let go.”

“‘Alternative facts?’ What the actual fuck?” Benjamin Franklin chimed in, displaying the delicate wit for which he was widely known.

Former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton began quoting his own writings on the intention of the Electoral College- much to the annoyance of the Ouija Staffer transcribing his remarks- specifically: “This evil was not least to be dreaded in the election of a magistrate, who was to have so important an agency-” (here the Ouija Staffer got bored and took a sip of coffee instead of continuing to transcribe the feverishly dancing, vaguely triangular board piece.) “…the precautions which have been so happily concerted in the system under consideration, promise an effectual security against this mischief,” Hamilton continued, somehow managing to italicize certain words amidst the verbosity. After another few paragraphs of this, the Ouija Staffer transcribing Hamilton’s board simply gave up and decided to apply for a less frustrating job, such as flossing sea cucumbers or attempting to have an entirely factual conversation with Sean Spicer.

An ethereal Thomas Jefferson even went so far as to materialize to one Ouija Staffer and point at the letters he wanted, indicating, “Okay, so. Explain Easy Mac. Macaroni and cheese, but in three minutes and thirty seconds? I’m sorry about the literal fascism and all but, like, this is astounding and I’m going to need more details on this,” before being interrupted by Alexander Hamilton, who also materialized in a ghostly fashion and seized control of the board.

“I MAY HAVE PUBLISHED NEARLY A HUNDRED PAGES ABOUT THE NATION’S FIRST PUBLIC SEX SCANDAL BUT AT LEAST I HAD HER GODDAMN PERMISSION TO GRAB HER BY THE PUSSY,” Hamilton pointed out, before deciding to start “a fisting duel” with the nearby Jefferson. Ouija Staffers did not see the point in correcting Hamilton’s phrasing, as he had already begun punching Jefferson in his ethereal face, and they were mainly interested in betting on who would win.

Former President Abraham Lincoln finally chimed in after materializing to watch the fight and stroke his beard thoughtfully. “Look, I know I’m technically not a Founding Father, but I just want to say, I’m so sorry, America. We will be better again, but not without a long fight. Resist, brothers and sisters, and in fourscore and seven years, well, hopefully most people will have access to basic human rights again in America. Maybe.”

By Rosie Summers

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