FULL PRINT EDITION SPRING 2017 AAAAAAHHHH
Spring-2017-Final
Month: May 2017
Legitimate Murders: The Body Has A Way Of Shutting Them Down
LEXINGTON, KY- Multiple female students have been claiming alleged murder on campus recently. Kelly Liarson, Sarah Misinterpretation, and Maria Forgery “narrowly escaped death” by gunshot on Friday afternoon outside of the 90 while openly flaunting their non-bulletproof clothing and the fact that they were unarmed. Victims were taken to University Hospital after the incident, but… Read More Legitimate Murders: The Body Has A Way Of Shutting Them Down
Horoscopes: Stare into the bleak void of your future existence!
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will do twice as well on your next test as you did the last one. Unfortunately, however, 0 times 2 is still 0. Which you would know, if you ever did any rudimentary level of studying. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) I can’t tell you your horoscope… Read More Horoscopes: Stare into the bleak void of your future existence!
Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely
THE ETHEREAL VOID BETWEEN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT, KY- In eerie political news this week, the nation’s top Ouija-The-People Staffers reported an alarming influx of paranormal political activity, most notably from the members of the esteemed historic group known as the Founding Fathers. Reportedly, the overall message appears to be “Oh God. I’m so… Read More Founding Fathers’ Ghosts Apologize Ver-boo-sely
Guest Column: WELCOME TO BUZZFEED
BUZZ BUZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZ bzzzzz! BUZZZ BZZ BUZZZZZZZ, BUUUUUZZZZZ buzz buzz buzzzzZZZZ BUZZ! BUZZZZ BZZZZ! BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ! Bzzz buzz bzzzzzzzz buuzzzzz buzz buzz, buzz BUZZZZZZZZ! I AM NEW WRITER! MY NAME IS BUZZ! I AM LOCAL WORKER! I AM FROM URBAN HIVE, IT IS HOW I GOT THIS JOB! IS A NICE JOB! THERE IS… Read More Guest Column: WELCOME TO BUZZFEED
Liar Continues to Lie
Last Tuesday, reporters were shocked to discover that a public figure known primarily for repeatedly and unabashedly lying to the public said something that was, in fact not true. “We’ve triple- and quadruple-checked this statement,” one incredulous reporter said, “and the facts just don’t add up. There is just no way to interpret this comment… Read More Liar Continues to Lie
