ISIS Still Being Evil

ALEPPO, SYRIA-

Residents of Aleppo, Syria were vaguely unenthusiastic about a bombing last Thursday that left three people dead, dozens injured, and the majority apathetic. This bombing marks exactly the umpteenth time that Isis has done something evil this week.

“I mean, the first time they destroyed my home and my wife and kids, I was pretty upset,” one local resident commented. “And the second time, I was pretty upset, too. But not in a “ruined my life” kind of way, more in a ‘ruined my day’ way, you know? ‘Cause my life was already ruined. And now that they’ve done it a fifth time, I’m just like, what’s new?”

Residents of Baghdad, Iraq were also generally unimpressed by these antics. “They’re Isis,” said one Shiite woman, who had barely escaped with her life, after having been denied refugee status into the U.S., “That’s, like, what they do, you know?”

“If Isis were a videogame franchise, they would be Call of Duty. Because they never innovate, they just keep shooting things. It’s just the same formula, over and over, and it’s gotten boring.” said a local Kurdish man, as he was being dragged out to be beheaded, after having been denied refugee status in the U.S.

“I miss getting bombed by Americans,” said one resident, who wished to remain anonymous, so as to not have their house burned down, again. “At least the Americans pretended to deliberate about it first. And they had interesting motives and stuff, you know? ‘Oh, we don’t want oil, we just want to remove that horrible dictator that we personally put into power twenty years ago.’”

The resident continued, as their eyes glazed over in apathy. “And they had to lie to their citizens and stuff about it. That’s complex. That’s interesting. That’s a good villain.

“Isis is just one-dimensional. They say they want to bring about the end of the world by bombing things, and that’s exactly the way they’re going about it. I was a creative writing professor, before the school was bombed to pieces, and if anybody turned in a fictional story with a villain this one-dimensional, I would give them an F.”

“Isis is bombing stuff? Whaaaaat?” said Baghdadi resident Mashal al-Hamidi, with sarcasm. Mashal did not particularly care about his anonymity, as he had recently had everything taken away from him that made life worth living anyway, and was generally bored with the whole ordeal. “Next you’ll be telling me that North Korea systematically herds dissenters into death camps. This is all old news. Everybody knows this. I want to hear more about the poor American citizens who are being forced into letting refugees come into their country. Now that’s the real tragedy here.”

By Philly le’Phlumph

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