Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?

Lexington, Ky-

As we all know, the University of Kentucky has always been primarily celebrated for its breathtaking academic accomplishments, and this week has been no exception. Just last Friday, 18-year-old UK freshman Brad Bichroy seems to have completely negated prior studies in the field of economics by asking this one simple—yet revolutionary—question: Why don’t poor people just stop being poor?

“I mean, it just seemed kinda obvious, y’know?” said Brad, glancing hastily at his Rolex watch. “Like…I had to write this Econ 101 paper about solving the problems of society, so I was just gonna copy and paste something from—I dunno, Donald Trump’s inaugural address or whatever, but then it hit me: the poors should just stop being poor.”

Upon being asked to elaborate on this awe-inspiring revelation, Brad (who has a sticker on his MacBook Air that reads “This Laptop Was Brought To You By Capitalism”) shrugged, saying, “I mean, it’s not my problem. You can’t ask me to think of everything. But I think they should just, like, get a job.”

Wow. It sure is great to know that genius is being cultivated by our university!

Brad’s Econ 101 professor, Dr. Phillip Laboldrill, is in awe of his star student. Upon being asked for his thoughts on the essay, Laboldrill said, “You know, I’ll be honest here and say that when I first met Brad, I didn’t think he was capable of much. He was constantly either skipping class or forgetting to turn in assignments. But this paper—wow. It completely blew me away. I mean, I have a Ph.D. in the field of economics, but now this freshman’s rendered my multiple degrees entirely useless. What will I do with my life in the future? Will I be denied tenure because of this? I don’t know! But what I do know is that Brad’s essay is a work of truly awe-inspiring brilliance.”

The paper begins with a personal anecdote in which Brad discusses his family’s summer home in the Caribbean, and it only gets better from there! Excerpts from the striking two-page manifesto include well-crafted phrases like “if you don’t have money then why don’t you just get some lmao”, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps just like I pulled myself up from the floor of my frat’s party house after puking for an hour,” and, of course, “the wage gap is a myth”.

Finally, some critical thinking coming out of the American university system! Thanks, Betsy DeVos! Brad’s parents, who are paying for the entirety of his education, should definitely be proud of their son.

Brad isn’t quite sure what, if any, topics he’ll write about in the future, but he’s considered writing about how “men are the real oppressed minority” for his gender studies class and how “nothing really matters anyway or whatever” in philosophy. Other than that, Brad says he just wants to “enjoy college and spend this spring break in Cancún. Or somewhere else, as long as there’s hot babes.”

Amazing. We certainly wish Brad the best in all his future endeavors, and we look forward to seeing what works of academic genius he’ll create next!

BY EGG E. EGGERTON

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