Local Man Discovers Home Depot Customer Service Representative He’s Been Speaking to For Months Is Not the Literal Embodiment of Home Depot Itself

This week, local man John Connolly received some truly shocking news. He had been in love, Madly in love. But, alas, having been misled, Mr. Connolly found himself hurt and confused. He told us his story in hopes that nobody else would have to endure the same level of devastation in their search for love.

He had spent four months trying to work up the courage to ask out his crush: the musical voice that responded each time he called Home Depot. Mr. Connolly had been working on building a new shed in his yard, and was surprised by the gentle feminine voice that had answered the phone. She had given him all the details he could possibly want regarding his local store’s lumber supplies. Over the next several weeks, Mr. Connolly called the Home Depot several more times.

He found himself attracted to the Home Depot, a situation which embarrassed and confused him. He admitted to having always found himself attracted to Lowes, with its cool blue signage, but had never really taken those feelings to heart. “I always thought that I was a one hardware-hardon kind of guy – I mean, everyone’s had their dalliances with hardware of various kinds, you know?” But Mr. Connolly told us that things changed when it came to Home Depot: “she sounded so kind, I couldn’t help but try to imagine what a relationship with Home Depot would be like…” After several minutes of staring wistfully, his eyes welling up with tears, Mr. Connolly continued his statement. “I figured that she would be a nice stay-at-Home Depot. I mean, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but sometimes I would find myself thinking about that.”

        Unfortunately, Mr. Connolly’s dreams of a future with the hardware store came crashing down – like a house whose owner had too-long neglected to buy necessary (yet affordable) home repair equipment. Mr. Connolly found out that Ms. Miranda Doll was the soothing voice on the other end of that phone line, NOT the physical embodiment of Home Depot. Ms. Doll has worked at the Lexington Home Depot for nearly six years, getting her the privilege of answering the phones.

“Honestly, I found myself liking him. He was a nice guy, and one of the few that didn’t assume I’m a man-hating lesbian because I work at Home Depot,” she reported to us. She admitted being confused at first – it’s not everyday that someone begins hitting on you exclusively by mumbling about the iconic Home Depot orange. “I hope he doesn’t hate me…” Ms. Doll concluded.         

The two have agreed to meet inside the Home Depot to get to know each other in hopes of being able to get past this truly unfortunate miscommunication. Hopefully for these two fledgeling lovebirds, there won’t be any hard concrete between them.


By Nadia Geddit

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