A shocking recent study published in the Journal of Benign Sciences claims to have shown that college students experience statistically and clinically significant positive effects by having access to meals on the weekends.
The dietetics team has been working on this study for over a year now, having started— entirely by coincidence, they claim—when Aramark forcibly pried UK Dining Services from the hands of the mysterious team of cheerful eye-less grandmothers that had previously occupied the cafeterias.
The dietitians have declined to comment officially, but have resigned to speaking with us anyway, saying, “We know if we don’t, you’ll just make something up and it’ll be really embarrassing,” which is entirely untrue, and also a very good point.
Umusteat Good, the head dietitian, who agreed on an interview as long as she could be certain to remain anonymous, stated “We conducted a survey of one thousand University of Kentucky students and found a correlation coefficient of .93, an astounding number, not as great as 7 but
definitely better than 2, what a rotten excuse for a number… sorry. Where were we?” Good was then reminded of where, in fact, we were. “Oh yes. Students that consume at least one meal between Friday night and Monday morning were much likelier to be alive than those that rely on their meal plan to sustain themselves. In fact, those that we did find alive, we found squirming outside the locked doors of Bowman’s Den, moaning something about their gnawing stomachs and rolling helplessly in the freshly blanketed grass.” Good’s eyes grew cold and distant as she recalled the memory.
Another witness reported that a dining employee, upon seeing the gruesome scene, went to the door and looked contemplatively at the hours for a long time, which read Meal Swipes accepted Mon-Fri 3pm-5pm. After the sun had fallen behind the skeleton of the vast and ever-growing student center, it is reported, she scraped away the 5 and wrote a 4 in its place, then walked away, muttering “must obey Overlord Aramark” under her breath.
By Penny Namestrod