UK Officially Becomes An Oligarchy

Lexington, Ky-

The honors program at UK has always had a certain air of prestige about it, granting fantastic privileges to students. The ability to take classes that aren’t at 5:00 in the morning. The ability to live in a dorm purged from the presence of all dishonorable students. The ability to freely visit dorms inhabited by other dis-dishonorable students (except for people in Haggin, fuck them). The ability to pass lowly non-honors students on the way to class and think, “I have to take more credit hours than you, and that makes me superior. I am a superior being. You are nothing to me.” That kind of prestige; those kinds of privileges.

But recently, the Lewis Honors College at UK has realized that they’ve made a dreadful mistake. This class system that’s been created – in which some students are systematically privileged over others – just isn’t right.

“The problem,” Lewis Honors College official Ma Du’pname explained, “is that we’ve set up a class system based on academic merit, rather than wealth. The only good class systems are ones based on wealth. That’s why we’ve decided to charge a fee for continued existence in the honors program, starting next semester.”

Honors College officials explained that this fee will not be immediately put into full effect. Rather, it will be imposed in progressively larger increments upon the unsuspecting new generations of students. In their explanation for this decision, they cited an analogy about boiling a frog in the pot of water. They then explained that, in this analogy the water represents monetary debt, and the frog represents the hopes and dreams of first generation students.

“If your family is so poor that you can’t pay the fee, then honestly, you’re probably not smart enough for the honors program anyway, considering the state of our public school system,” commented another honors official. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to retire to my throne room, to slowly stroke my cat and cackle nefariously.”

The fee will be used, among other things, to pay for such necessities as a ballroom, and honors-specific career advisors. “Not like those other, no-good, plebeian career advisors in the Stuckert Center, that are already available to every student,” Honors College officials explained. “These are *honors* career advisors, to give advice on how to get special, secret *honors* jobs, that nobody else knows about. So don’t tell anybody outside of honors that these things exist, alright? It’s a really big secret. Wait- this isn’t going in a newspaper or anything, right?”

“I’m upset about the changes,” one honors student said. “I feel like this move seems unnecessarily elitist, and shifts focus away from the community-based aspect of honors, which I personally think is its strongest suit.

“But I mean, it’s not the end of the world,” they added, optimistically. “We’ll always still have the honors lounge. At least they’d never take that away, right?”

By Philly le’Phlumph

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