Park Ranger Diaries

The following are three journal entries from the group of rangers behind the Alternative National Park Service. These entries are the only remaining evidence that these brave people existed, for their bodies, homes, and families have been erased from history during Trump’s latest attack on valid information that doesn’t benefit business.

Jan 24, 2017

Day 1

We’ve done it. We’ve gone rogue. Park service: Out. We’re currently operating from an unnamed  national park that’s not really YELLOW and has a number of aspects that I consider to be quite FAITHFUL. We’ve made a twitter thing, so please do make sure to go friend it or whatever at @altnatparkser. That of course, seems to be the most efficient way to disseminate critical information to the masses. Whether that information is true or dumb, uniformed, sometimes misogynistic or racist lying really just depends on the user. But sometimes you can tell by whether their caps lock key appears to be broken or not. Anyway. Keep up for updates. Agent Geyser out.

Day 11

Feb 3, 2017

The Trump supporters have come close, though they seemed to be wary of our arsenal of trained Grizzly bears. Fortunately, we are currently stocked with the latest versions of FACTs( Fully Automated Checkers of Truth). We have since moved location to IN BETWEEN MOUNTAINS and full of DEATH. We’ve also caught wind of the bill proposing to terminate the EPA… Let me first say #&$#@%*^$#*. Secondly, let me say $%$!@#$%#@#$%@#$%$#@#$%$#@#$%$#@#$%. Please, please, please don’t let this happen. Let Trump sever ties with all our allies. let him kill the education system. Heck, let him even make the US more closed-off than a gated community that thinks it’s great (again?). But please don’t let him kill the planet, because that has completely irreversible effects that hurt everyone. Literally everyone. In the world. Except for, like, cockroaches. Maybe. Depending on the extent of the killing So Pence is potentially fine. But still….. Just… No…. Agent Vulture out.

Day 16

Feb 8, 2017

What’s happening in the outside world!? … The Trump supporters’ morale seems to have been boosted from the confirmation of Betsy Desomethingterrible. Now there’s a bill to terminate the Department of Education? And Trump has questioned the Justice system on Twitter? On f***ing Twitter? Wait, I’m in nature. I can curse. Fracking twitter? Wahtever.We’ve decided to retreat to a place where the Trump supporters will never find us and we can just bask in the presence of trees and nature for the rest of eternity. We are in a PLACE FULL OF TREES named after the FOUNDER of the SIERRA CLUB. I’m just so confused… Agent John out.


Written by Agents Geyser, Vulture, and John

Transcribed by Zeke Kiwi

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