Number One Tip For A Successful Day*

*None of that bullshit that they tell you in your college success courses that you took because they were an easy A and your freshman advisor insisted were necessary to do well in university.

        Throughout my life – which has been relatively short in today’s terms but relatively long in Medieval, pre- Germ Theory terms, and even longer if I were like an algae or something – there are a few tricks that I’ve learned to make any day better. For instance: I always carry a phone charger, because looking at memes and conspiracy theories drains my phone battery to the point that I cannot use it for that surprise quiz in psych class. Additionally, I’ve learned it’s best to have a lighter on me, despite being a non-smoker, just in case I get stranded in the woods or need to light a Molotov cocktail. However, even these habits, no matter how beneficial, are not the most reliable thing I have found to get me through my day. The wisest thing I can insist upon you doing is this:

Put It In Your Mouth

        At this point, you may be asking me, “All-knowing Author, what exactly is ‘it’ and why should I put it within my facial orifice?” Good question, ignorant reader. Allow me to explain.

        ‘It’ is anything. ‘It’ is also everything.

That pencil you’re borrowing from the girl sitting in front of you who is actually prepared for class? Put it in your mouth. She will not want it back, so now you have gained a pencil and won’t have to borrow another one till you inevitably lose it on Tuesday.

That test you don’t want to take in Statistics? Put it in your mouth. Now the answers are there, but too soggy to be graded for correctness. The professor will give you an A and exemptions from all future exams to avoid the plethora of bacteria you have bestowed upon him. Thanks, Germ Theory!

That thing that you’re thinking, and I am thinking, but I am probably not going to write. Yeah, put that in your mouth, as far as it’ll go. Savor it. Be careful not to make a mess. Fuck it- I’m going to write it. Put that cupcake in your mouth- you deserve it.

Oh, also dicks, put those in your mouth,** if that’s your thing. Mind the teeth though. Not the dick’s teeth, your own. Unless the dick has teeth, in which case, put those in your mouth, too.

The point is, whether it is for class or self-gratification, putting things in your mouth makes your day better. Ignore the potential for the spread of contagions and the likelihood of poisoning yourself. Inevitably in life, as in all things, it is better to have tasted and died of dysentery then to never have tasted at all.

**(Author would like to note that all dicks put into mouths should be done so consensually. Don’t walk up to that random person on the street and just shove it in without asking. Not only is this morally reprehensible, but it is illegal and would lead to charges and NOT make your day easier)

By Walter Malone

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