ALEPPO, SYRIA- Residents of Aleppo, Syria were vaguely unenthusiastic about a bombing last Thursday that left three people dead, dozens injured, and the majority apathetic. This bombing marks exactly the umpteenth time that Isis has done something evil this week. “I mean, the first time they destroyed my home and my wife and kids, I… Read More ISIS Still Being Evil
Lexington, Ky- As we all know, the University of Kentucky has always been primarily celebrated for its breathtaking academic accomplishments, and this week has been no exception. Just last Friday, 18-year-old UK freshman Brad Bichroy seems to have completely negated prior studies in the field of economics by asking this one simple—yet revolutionary—question: Why don’t… Read More Freshman Revolutionizes Field With Economics Paper: Why Don’t Poor People Just Stop Being Poor?
This week, local man John Connolly received some truly shocking news. He had been in love, Madly in love. But, alas, having been misled, Mr. Connolly found himself hurt and confused. He told us his story in hopes that nobody else would have to endure the same level of devastation in their search for love.… Read More Local Man Discovers Home Depot Customer Service Representative He’s Been Speaking to For Months Is Not the Literal Embodiment of Home Depot Itself
LEXINGTON, KY- A shocking recent study published in the Journal of Benign Sciences claims to have shown that college students experience statistically and clinically significant positive effects by having access to meals on the weekends. The dietetics team has been working on this study for over a year now, having started— entirely by coincidence, they… Read More New Study Shows That Students Actually Have To Eat On Weekends
Lexington, Ky- The honors program at UK has always had a certain air of prestige about it, granting fantastic privileges to students. The ability to take classes that aren’t at 5:00 in the morning. The ability to live in a dorm purged from the presence of all dishonorable students. The ability to freely visit dorms… Read More UK Officially Becomes An Oligarchy
The following are three journal entries from the group of rangers behind the Alternative National Park Service. These entries are the only remaining evidence that these brave people existed, for their bodies, homes, and families have been erased from history during Trump’s latest attack on valid information that doesn’t benefit business. Jan 24, 2017 Day… Read More Park Ranger Diaries
*None of that bullshit that they tell you in your college success courses that you took because they were an easy A and your freshman advisor insisted were necessary to do well in university. Throughout my life – which has been relatively short in today’s terms but relatively long in Medieval, pre- Germ Theory… Read More Number One Tip For A Successful Day*
The UK Colonel 