Holmes Hall Roommates Tentatively Cease fire

Fears of an imminent third world war have resurfaced.

Theorists claim that he primary battleground of this conflict is Holmes Hall. Room 811 residents Lexi Norman and Ava Lancaster have agreed upon a provisional treatise as an attempt to resolve their underlying issues. Speculators are hoping that this agreement may lead to a future era of peace, but experts aren’t so sure.

“As long as Lexi stops bringing her boyfriend over to ‘hang out’ every night of the week, we won’t have a problem,” says Lancaster, hinting at Norman’s possible breach of contract with Holmes Hall staff by cohabitating with her significant other.

Further explaining the deal, she says that “Ms. Norman and I have agreed to temporarily ignore the massive globs of hair that clogs up the shower every time a certain someone uses it, as long as I am allowed to passive-aggressively use her expensive conditioner every time it occurs.”

Conversely, Norman fears that Lancaster will continue to steal her Doritos, putting her in breach of contract. Unidentified experts say, however, that this is a “load of garbage” and Lancaster needs to “get over herself.” Norman later claimed, “My mom sent me those Doritos in her last care package, and Lexi has a stupid face.” Peer-reviewed studies conclude that Lexi does indeed have a stupid face. These studies were conducted by Norman, and peer-reviewed by Norman’s friends. These friends agreed, however, that she has a penchant for stealing Doritos.

The roommates were forced into complacency after an incident between the two caused the fire alarm to go off, effectively making all Holmes Hall residents evacuate their dorms. “The room smelled like marijuana and cat pee, and the floor was covered in dirty clothes soaked in gasoline,” says resident advisor John Rochester. The fire was believed to have been caused by a stray vape pen. It is not known whether the fire was premeditated. Though the event shook residents, Hall Government was delighted to finally be able to exercise some sort of power and held the Lancaster-Norman conference. Detailed in its 94 articles, the treatise provides hope of a prosperous future.

Old habits die hard, however, as Lancaster was seen via satellite testing Norman’s arsenal of beauty products. With the possibility of an insurgent war, residents can only hope for a peaceful resolution.

 

By Lord Farquaad

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