A Guide to Parking At UK: Because Even If You’re A Grad Student, It’s Confusing as Fuck

There are so many different parking passes you can buy to prepare for the school year. And so many different options. It’s of the UTMOST importance that you pick the exact right parking pass and follow all the rules. Here’s a little crash course on everything you need to know this year.

Lots:

K: You will park in the HUGE lot beside and behind the Memorial Coliseum. One game days, you will move your car into another designated area either by the library or on the other side of campus. Do not let the elite parking task force catch you in an R lot. They can smell your kind from a mile away, even if your car is black and in an unlit R Lot, and will print out a ticket for you faster than you can say “make America great again.” Also, carry a Taser for the walk from the Coliseum to your dorm. There’s only one remaining blue light in K Lot now, so you need extra protection just in case.

R: You are the person everyone in K Lot HATES. Congrats. You pressed the refresh button at JUST THE RIGHT SECOND and got an R pass. It doesn’t matter what number follows it. YOU ARE A GOD. You are the cis white male swimmer who got out of jail early on rape charges. Even if it means your poor, gifted legs have to walk down a few flights of stairs to get to ground level. Bask in your own glory.

E: You have a terrible job at UK. I’m so sorry you even had to buy your pass.

C: Even though your pass can turn into a smiley face, you will not be smiling every weekday at 5pm when you are stuck on University Drive waiting in after class traffic to go home. Or when you have to pay to get out of a ticket due to leaving your car in an poorly marked parking lot for a just a millisecond too long.

C6: You go to BCTC. That is all. Nothing else.

Types:

Expires December: You don’t think you and/or your car make it that far, so you don’t want to hand out $400 for a pass, therefor you only hand out $300 for half a year. Makes sense.

Expires April: You are very optimistic about making it to the end of the year. PTS won’t refund your money, so be sure you’re sure.

Off Peak: You ran out of money before classes and you only come on campus because of…I don’t know why. Why would you only come to campus in the afternoon?

Life tip: Please do not forget to give great attention to the lot you are parking in. Because “forgetting your pass” or “not seeing the sign” is not an acceptable excuse, regardless of how unlit the sign is.

 

By Herding Kittens

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