New Study Finds That Flossing is Bad For You

According to a new study conducted by a team of very important and esteemed researchers, flossing could actually be harmful for your dental health. In a ground-breaking discovery made at Meadowview Elementary School, dental hygiene is actually “the worst” and “boring.”

One contributor to the project, Dinntist Kyle, shared his thoughts: “The flossers hurt my teeth, and it takes too long.”

Kyle further explained the hypothesis behind this discovery: “If you put things between your teeth, you rub off the magic teeth dust and the tooth fairy won’t touch ‘em. So don’t floss if you wanna get so much as a quarter per tooth.”

Experts in the dental field concur. Dr. Rothsfeld of the Harvard School of Dental Medicine explains that this study illuminated the previously unexplored connections between enjoyment of healthy activities and health itself.

Rothsfeld explained, “The observation that the exhausting length of the process of flossing, as well as the inability of subjects to see any perceivable improvement, eliminates any positive benefit is truly insightful. ”

According to Dinntist Kyle’s fellow researcher, Docter Sarah, the best thing for tooth health is actually to eat a lot of candy, at least three times a day. In fact, it’s advisable to eat candy for at least breakfast and lunch, ending the day with an ice cream dinner.

Dr. Rothsfeld further lends his support to this suggestion: “The happiness particles in sugar counteract the sadness particles introduced by the angst of our existence. Thus, coating the teeth in sugar prevents the sinister particles of plaque from penetrating the tooth.”

Rothsfeld expressed his hopes to collaborate with Kyle, Sarah, and their team in future efforts, but statements by the researchers indicate that, as yet, Rothsfeld is “too old,” “smells weird,” and lacks suitable interest in Scooby Doo for them to consider this possibility.

Since this revelation, the team has continued work on identifying new public health threats, which so far include homework, spinach, and chores.


By Petunia Frisbee

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