UK bookkeepers recently discovered that student fees were miscalculated for the Fall 2016 semester, resulting in a surplus of funds for the University. The University is as of yet undecided on where the funds will be allocated but has assured students that there will be “no take back-sies”.
When reached for further comment, a representative for the University gave the following statement: “Well, we were going to build a swimming pool and fill it with cash, but all the construction companies we know already have their hands full. And then we thought about giving the basketball coach another raise, but he says his bank account won’t hold any more money. Gosh, this is only going to get tougher when we raise tuition again next year.”
When reached for further further comment, University president Levi Capri Lewd Dough said, “As Kentucky’s highest institution of learning, we have a great responsibility to give back to the community. We are keeping this in mind as we consider a variety of proposals, including a new chiropractic center and a music hall dedicated to Johann Bach. It is with a heavy heart – one weighed down by several bags of money – that I must declare that take back-sies undoubtedly contradict our institution’s desire to provide give back-sies. We are dedicated to building community, and we can only do that by making Lexington a community that has a lot of buildings. No take back-sies.”
As of press time, the University has announced that it will most likely build a new stadium.
BY: TWO HOT DOG SAM