Trump Actually Finds Best People

     Donald Trump has always been very confident in his ability to pick good advisors in all areas of public policy. His repeated mantra that he will undoubtedly hire “the best, just the best, really tremendous people, I’ll tell ya folks,” has been one of the biggest draws for supporters, and one of their go-to arguments when confronted with any sort of nosy questions about “specific policy proposals” or “even knowing what he’s talking about.”

     This repeated declaration of faith in his own people-picking abilities, in some circles, has even earned him the nickname “Donald Trumpet” because, as one anonymous source explained, “He’s always tooting his own horn.”

     Some have questioned this people-picking pride of Donald’s. They highlight his choosing of a vice president who passed a bill allowing businesses to more easily discriminate against gay people. Or the fact that he picked a campaign advisor who had to quit his job because of multiple sexual harassment charges. Or the fact that he picked himself to run for president. Those who knew him closely, in fact, nicknamed him “Donald Trumpbone”, because “he’s always at least a little out of tune (metaphorically) and also he gets spit everywhere when he talks, not unlike when a trombonist empties their valves.”

    But these doubts were all assuaged last Sunday when the candidate, to great critical acclaim, announced his list of picks for cabinet members were he to be elected president.

    “I acclaim these picks,” one critic noted. “They’re really good. There’s literally no better person at these things in any of these advisory fields in the world. You could even say that they’re the best people. In fact, you can’t say that they’re not the best people. They just simply, obviously, are the best.”

    A few famous modern philosophers who had previously championed a relativist view of values have now officially changed their philosophical stances upon hearing of Trump’s objectively perfect cabinet.

     One of these philosophers, Dr. Neechay, commented: “I didn’t really have faith in the ability of humans to find objective value or truth in anything. But this candidate here has changed my mind about that. It’s impressive, because my colleagues and I had previously nicknamed him ‘Donald Piccolo,’ for having ideas that only make sense if you’re high, but this announcement right here has changed my mind about that. You just can’t deny the objective best-ness of these candidate picks.”

    The announcement of this list has had significant political ramifications, as well. Upon hearing the announcement of Trump’s new foreign policy advisor, Rooty McShooty, Vladamir Putin immediately backed out of Ukraine in apprehension, and is, in fact, considering backing out of Russia entirely.

     “He’s just the best,” a spokesperson for Vladimir explained. “Mr. Putin just felt  he wouldn’t be able to deal with that sheer level of aptitude in the realm of foreign policy.”

    Rooty McShooty, as a person, certainly lives up to his name. As his name would suggest, he’s very enthusiastic about the classification of plants by looking at their roots. But that’s not particularly relevant here. He also advocates for a very militaristic foreign policy. As Rooty explains in his bestselling autobiography/self-help-book combo How To Be The Best At Foreign Policy, Or At Least The Second Best, Since I’m Already The Best And All, “If you bomb every terrorist, then there’s no more terrorists.”

    But Rooty McShooty isn’t Donald’s only advisor. No, the candidate nicknamed “Donald Marimba” (because, as one astute observer speculated, “His body makes different sounds depending on where you hit him”) has also picked a similarly perfect economic advisor: Senator J. P. Moneybags. Moneybags is best known for having singlehandedly saved the economy from the recession of 2011. This recession is less well known than the recession of ‘08 because, of course, J. P. Moneybags used his unparalleled economic foresight to prevent it from ever happening.

    Jalepeño Gomez, Trump’s immigration policy advisor, is also known as the best in his field. When asked about Trump’s announcement, Gomez commented, “Yes, I think it’s very important to keep out those illegal Mexicans. Very, very important. In fact, I am so completely, totally against illegal immigration, that I should be 100% exempt from any and all suspicions of being an illegal immigrant myself. So, like, don’t even try to investigate, because you won’t find anything.” He then laid out a very detailed and objectively perfect immigration plan that brought tears to many of our reporters’ eyes.

     Here’s to hoping that Donald Maraca and his band of advisors will be able to Shake America Great Again.


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