- A typical fall semester in college
UK started classes on August 24 and Finals will finish up on December 16. That’s an entire 4 months! Brock can rest easy and stop worrying about prison rape just in time to see girls stop worrying about the semester’s threat and take exams jk that’s not how rape culture works.
- The length of time most girls use a tube of mascara
I’ve had mine for six months! Just think, under (still mostly not, but slightly more) reasonable circumstances, Brock could’ve had me beat. But no, my mascara is drier and crispier than the old men who make shitty sentencing decisions on rape cases.
- The prison sentence of most non-violent drug offenders
Whoops, this one wasn’t satirical (Average sentence length in 2012 was 6 years)
- The time it takes to get your computer back from the geek squad
Some geek squads are better than others, but I haven’t seen my crappy Dell netbook since before Brock Turner ruined someone’s life, let alone before he got a laughable sentence.
- The gestation periods of some dogs
Most dogs take just about 3 months to cook their buns in the oven, but brock could be home in time to see his dear family pet birth adorable puppies and the psychological damage he caused to his victim in action. Luckily, the dogs will also love to eat the steak Brock has so lost an appetite for.
- The time it takes to walk from Champions Court to K lot.
Eh, this one isn’t really that shocking. UK hates it’s students more than the US justice system hates rapists.
- The amount of time since I last painted my nails
Home girl has other shit to do, cuz I’m a busy-ass-woman. So is Brock Turner. Which is why a long sentence would have too much of an effect on him, so he shouldn’t be in jail longer than frequency of my cuticle care.
- The amount of time it takes a broken arm to heal
You’ll get your cast off eventually, but not quite in time to punch Brock Turner in the nads. I know, this one is so close you almost got excited.
- The time I was grounded in the 8th grade for saying a bad word
FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK. whatcha gonna do now, mom? Nothing? Huh, Brock Turner didn’t get in trouble for fucking either.
- Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries
We never thought it would be longer than anything, so we have to thank the Kardashians for shitty marriages, and Judge Aaron Persky for shitty rape case sentencing, so the we here at the Colonel could make this analogy.
- A Fruit By The Foot
This becomes less true the more you eat, but never truly false. Brock Turner, childhood snacks have you beat.
- A Fruit By The 30.48 Centimeters (foreign version)
Similar to the regular fruit by the foot, but the slight extra length added because of the metric system norms, Brock Turner’s sentence would never be longer, even if he did serve his entire 6-months.
- My enjoyment of UK Dining food
UK Dining is fine for the first semester. You Don’t really feel the enjoyment-killing indigestion, diarrhea, and sinking feelings until AFTER you’ve gone home for the holidays and Brock Turner has been released from prison. A funny coincidence really.
- The pause after Dora the Explorer asks you a question
This one isn’t actually that shocking because Brock would have had to ask for consent to be able to wait for a response. But just like Dora, he’ll continue eventually whether you actually said anything or not.
- That one time that Patrick and Spongebob went to jail for stealing a balloon on free balloon day.
You have to applaud the police officers in that episode though. A longer sentence would have had a severe impact on both of them, especially because neither of them violated another person’s bodily autonomy. It’s important to treat sentencing like a joke for ‘minor’ offenses. Judge Persky definitely took that spongebob lesson to heart!
- THIS DICK
Trust me, my penis is nothing special. I would even say below average, or incredibly disappointing. But it’s still longer and more impressive than the 3 months Turner served.
By Chris P. Bacon