Major Considerations: Do Something with Your Shit Life

As a new student at the University of Kentucky, one of the first things you’ll be asked when you meet someone new is what you’ve decided to major in. And you don’t have any fucking idea, because we’re not fully developed adults and having to make that decision at this point in life is total horse shit. So we’ve taken the time to compile a list of UK’s most popular majors and list out the pros and cons of dedicating literally the rest of your mortal existence to these subjects.

 

Animal Science:

Strengths: You’re going to make the family back on the farm proud, boy.

Weaknesses: You’re going to smell like feces all the time.

 

Equine Science and Management:

Strengths: As long as you stay in Kentucky, you’ll always have a job.

Weaknesses All of your friends think you’re the “weird horse girl.”

 

Engineering:

Strengths: Willing to forsake any and all social interaction for the sake of their major.

Weaknesses: See strengths.

 

Biology:

Redirect to: Pre-Medical

Editor’s Note: Some people are bio majors who aren’t pre-med

Author’s Note: …okay. That sounds fake, but okay.

Strengths: A false sense of being better than all the pre-med kids because you’re different.

Weaknesses: You have to go to graduate school for your degree to be worth anything.

 

Philosophy

Strengths: Highest potential to become the Ubermensch. Best major if you want to be really, really good at telling people why your major isn’t useless.

Weaknesses: Is useless. But, then again, so is life, amirite? jkbutreallythobutjkbutreallythobutjkbutactuallywhatdoesitevenreallymeantohaveatruthvaluecuzlike*dissolves back into pure noumena*

 

Law

Strengths: Traits that could be construed as partially- or wholly-positive as designated by the abstract body of “Colonel Editors” are not in accordance with the regulatory oversight of “our self-esteem” as stated in Article IV: Section 20.

Weaknesses: Objection, this term isn’t adequately defined, and, as such, let the record show that this section should not be considered in the final verdict.

 

Linguistics

Strengths: [bi] [eiblˌ] [tu] [tɹaenskɹaib] [evɹiθɪŋ] [eniuən] [sez] [ɪntu] [ei] [sikɹet] [founetɪk] [leiŋuɪdʒ] and become one with the harmony that exists between all languages throughout time, alt. discover secrets of the universe.

Weaknesses: “Linguistics? Cool! How many languages can you speak?”

 

Computer Science

Strengths: You can tell people you’re an engineer.

Weaknesses: You’re not an engineer.

 

Pre-Medical

Redirect to: Business (after one semester)

Editor’s Note: 5 or 6 people actually stay. Write something you lazy cretin.

Author’s Note: *hisssssssss*

Strengths: Can say you want to be a doctor.

Weaknesses: Uncontrollable crying over your GPA/med school/life decisions. Like, disgusting-wailing-and-blubbering crying. Your peers are your competition, so the only friends you can have are humanities majors (who are very nice, don’t get me wrong) but they don’t really understand what you’re going through. So you’ll just kinda curl up on the floor in a ball of existential despair, praying for sweet release.

 

Business

Strengths: Mommy and Daddy can pay for college.

Weaknesses: Parents probably can’t cover all 12 years of undergraduate study, and your degree is printed on slightly-dampened toilet paper.

 

Art

Strengths: Will be able to make a stunning signature on your applications for unemployment benefits.

Weaknesses: You will go blind early staring at your long, unnaturally-colored hair.

 

English

Strengths: You can say you’re a writer.

Weaknesses: Your major has the worst “effort:employment” ratio of any out there.

 

Political Science

Strengths: You’ll know all about the political process, and how to predict the outcomes of elections. There are tons of practical applications for that knowledge, as it is intertwined with most facets of society as a whole.

Weaknesses: A Socialist and an angry, sentient orange were/are legitimate candidates to be president. Your knowledge is now worthless.

 

Math:
Strengths: You’re better at math than the engineers and physicists.

Weaknesses: Everyone will say you’re basically an engineer.

 

History:

Strengths: Was it not George Washington that said if we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it?

Weaknesses: Well, was it or wasn’t it? Please, god, help me, I have a test in 10 minutes and I need to be able to repeat the last 8 chapters word for word.

 

Journalism:
Strengths: You could work for us! Contact theukcolonel@gmail.com if you’re interested!

Weaknesses: We don’t pay very well. Or at all, really.

 

Social Work

Strengths: The opportunity to make change.

Weaknesses: The reality that all you will ever make is ¢hange.

 

Physics

Strengths: The strong force.

Weaknesses: The weak force.

Electromagnetics: The electromagnetic force.

Gravitys: Gravity.

 

Neuroscience

Redirect to Pre-Medical, but with less math.

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