Local Writer Procrastinates Until News Story No Longer Relevant

COLONEL STUDIOS, LEXINGTON, KY-

Turning in an article literal months past the date he said he would write it, one local journalist is complete shit and slid a barely-completed article full of typos under our editing room door, apparently under the impression that this would be received with gratitude and applause.

The terrible writer’s beautiful and magnanimous editors fixed up the article, grumbling threats all the while, but the procrastinator waited so long that the news story is no longer even relevant, and can even be found in some history books, rather than the newspaper. “Yeahhh, I just got a little behind,” shrugged the anonymous and disgusting excuse for a journalist, whose name starts with “J” and rhymes with “Jeff.”

“I figured it’s called the ‘news’ for a reason, because it’s always new, right? Didn’t you write about Hitler in our last paper anyway?” Jeff asked, like the shit person he is. As of press time, the flawless, virtuous editors were deciding whether to fire Jeff or simply set him on fire to save time and effort.

By Rosie Summers

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