MAMMOTH CAVE, KY-
Last September, the momentous discoveries of Homo Naledi and Australopithecus Sediba rocked the anthropological world. However, a recent discovery by Paleoanthropologist Mitch Michaels has blown anthropologists away.
Homo Naledi, recently thought to be our first ancestor of the genus Homo, has been replaced by Michaels’ new discovery.
As evidenced by several fossilized remains discovered last month in Mammoth Cave, Kentucky, all of humanity actually began in a much different manner than originally thought.
These remains sent anthropologists worldwide back to the drawing board, disproving the idea that all of humanity emerged in Africa.
This new discovery has been dubbed Homo Cannabis, a name inspired by the individual Michaels asked to retrieve the pieces. The site where Homo Cannabis was found was reportedly “dank,” “cramped,” and far from the visitor-accessible paths of Mammoth Cave.
Michaels, having just finished his fifth brownie of the day, had no way to safely investigate the crevice, and instead looked to recruit a smaller individual to investigate the remains.
Michaels’ first choice was a nearby infant named Jessica.
However, according to Michaels, Jessica’s mother was being a “total bitch” and “said no.”
Michaels turned his attention instead to another tourist, a gentleman going by the name of Slim Jim.
Slim, apparently, was more than eager to aid in this anthropological endeavor. The anthropologically-inclined visitor stubbed out his blunt on a nearby cave painting and shimmied down to retrieve the fossilized remains of Homo Cannabis: a half-eaten piece of Swiss cheese and a dirty Styrofoam cup.
After he handed up the anthropologically-significant cheese and cup, Slim was then unable to get back out of the small cave, but commented that he was “so excited for [his] chill new pad,” as it is “going to bring in all the ladies.”
As he settled into his new home, Slim happily reported that his new digs already had a can of Diet Coke with backwash, as well as some discarded sharps, so he would be set on groceries for the month.
Mitch Michaels ignored this commentary completely and began the arduous task of transporting the ancient remains back to his lab in a trailer park three miles from the cave site.
Michaels plans to publish his findings as soon as he returns from his alien-watching trip in Nevada.
As the interview concluded, Mitch noticed a plastic fork across the street and excitedly added the twisted plastic to his findings, thus completing the skeleton of Homo Cannabis.
Michaels’ discovery simultaneously rendered the famous Leakey discovery of “Lucy” utterly obsolete and finally made his mother proud.
By Chris P. Bacon