The Associated Press reported Tuesday on the significant progress that ISIS has been making in a surprising direction–upward. Apparently not satisfied with only spreading their extremism to the ends of the Earth like a virus, ISIS has decided to spread it to the ends of the galaxy, like a space virus. This endeavor is officially known as the “ISIS Spaesh
Program.” The program was, in a matter of weeks, able to somehow successfully construct a base they deem the Islamic State of Iraq and-Syria-and-Space Space Station (the ISISSSS).
Previously, the AP reports, the Spaesh program has directly collaborated with North Korea for joint space projects. Remember those
failed missile launches you’d hear about on the news all of the time? It turns out that they were actually massively successful self-destructing space probes developed to do exactly what they were intended to do. Successfully. Which they did, intentionally, with an utterly complete lack of non-success.
Additionally, NASA–which recently came under fire for its Saffire experiment–has decided to team up with the ISIS Spaesh Program. NASA’s project had involved combusting a probe in space “just because,” which aligns closely with North Korea’s motivations of “lol rockets,” so one can clearly see how ISISSSS officials found the potential alliance to be an alluring offer.
“Our astronauts hotly debated having the Saffire experiment on the ISS, but the astronauts on the ISISSSS were quick to warm up to the idea,” said NASA spokeswoman, Iris Starr. “We know that there’s some hostility between us, but we here at NASA hope that this revolutionary scientific collaboration will help to defrost political relations.” Starr went on to describe how much NASA would be saving through this collaboration, since the Spaesh Program has much more relaxed safety codes than does the ISS.
Spaesh program officials responded positively to the request. “We were very surprised to have the infidels contact us in regards to space travel,” said an anonymous Spaesh official, “but we could not deny that the opportunity was too lucrative to pass up.” Cooperative construction began immediately, after catching a mild amount of flak in negotiations. Now, approximately eighteen months from the project’s introduction, Spaesh officials are ready to launch their first joint mission with the US: S.T.R.A.I.G.H.T.F.I.R.E. (Space-Traveling Rocket About Igniting Gas Hellaciously To Flamingly Incinerate R Enemies).
However, much to the surprise of US officials, this wasn’t the kind of flagrantly flaming probe they were expecting. Alas, it was a flamingly homosexual space probe. Adorned with glitter and all manner of bright, flamboyant colors, the probe was the Spaesh’s attempt at fulfilling their homoerotic desires. “You see,” exclaimed a spandex-laden ISIS official, “when it comes to being gay, you simply can’t do it here on earth. That is unacceptable. Instead, we’re going to be gay in space, where it doesn’t count.”
There has been some squabbling from within the ISISSSS on the exact specifications of space non-gayness, however. “It’s not enough to just be in space,” a more conservative, loincloth-wearing official warned. “You have to make sure the rockets don’t touch.” Added a second official, “We really just want to blow ourselves anyway.”
Authors’ Note: I bet you presumptuous little fucklets thought the probe was going to self-destruct, didn’t you? You should be ashamed of yourselves for assuming such a conveniently ironic thing would actually happen.
Editors’ Update: The probe exploded.
By Johntavius Cena III & Nadia Geddit