FRANKFORT, KY —
Hello there, fellow Kentuckians. As some of you may have heard, I’m your Governor now. I’d like to thank the
hundreds tens ones of supporters who showed up to vote me into office.
Now, I’ve heard there have been some rumors stirring among you unwashed masses about how I was elected with “the lowest turnout in Kentucky history,” or something, and how I’m “not fit to govern,” or whatever. Well, those of you spreading these rumors should have gotten off your asses to vote, instead of sitting around suckling on the teat of the government, like leeches with a particular affinity for cow nipples. Kentucky will not continue to support you moochers and your rampant teat-suckling. Under my rule, I will transform this state. Under my rule, Kentucky will metamorphose its bloated udder into a huge pair of balls, like a caterpillar that folds itself into a cocoon, and emerges with a huge pair of balls.
This state’s going to be much different now, that’s for sure. For too long, we’ve stuffed our budget with superfluous programs like “healthcare.” For too long, we’ve provided a “safety net” for the “less fortunate.” For too long, we’ve given our citizens “education” to “better themselves” and “more readily contribute to society” and “know how to properly use quotation marks.”
And why have we had to have these programs? It’s the poor’s fault. The people who, instead of paying for their own stuff, decide to just be poor instead. They’ve turned this great state into a sea swarming with poor people, like a bowl of M&Ms that’s swarming with poor people. So I’ve devised a solution. Instead of wasting any substantial amount of money on these “social services which are provided in literally every other first world country in the world,” or whatever, I have a fiscally responsible solution that, if we as Kentuckians agree to implement it, is guaranteed to work.
Stop being poor. Just stop it. See, I could have been poor, but then I just decided to not be instead. Be like me: Not Poor. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Use your bootstraps. Bootstraps.
Now, some people ask me, “Your Highness,” they say, “are there any social welfare programs you support?” And there are. Free bootstraps. Free bootstraps for everybody. To pull themselves up by. I want to send every poor person in Kentucky a free pair of bootstraps, just to say, “Hey, it’s your fault.” I want to make sure they know that. And I think that’s what America’s really about, you know? Making poor people feel bad.
Oh, also, coal subsidies. We’re keeping those, of course. Okay, that’s all. Bevin out.
By Matt Bevin
Transcribed by Philly Le’Phlumph