LEXINGTON, KY- In an effort to save funds after the governor strangled its funding like so many puppies, the University of Kentucky will be removing all blue safety towers on campus. “This is truly for the students’ benefit,” reported UK officials, most notably U. Kay O’Fishal. “The money saved from the removal will prevent the… Read More UK Too Safe For Safety
LEXINGTON, KY- This week’s UK Now email newsletter contained exceedingly exciting news—the addition of new, affordable dorms built with UK students in mind. The project is going to include remodels of older dorms as well as several new buildings. Altogether, the new housing options are expected to accommodate 1500 new students. They will include additional… Read More University of Kentucky Administration Makes Good Decisions
WASHINGTON D.C.- The Associated Press reported Tuesday on the significant progress that ISIS has been making in a surprising direction–upward. Apparently not satisfied with only spreading their extremism to the ends of the Earth like a virus, ISIS has decided to spread it to the ends of the galaxy, like a space virus. This endeavor… Read More ISIS Spaesh Program a Booming Success
The recent lack of adequate autism vaccinations among the student body has caused several unexpected diseases to break out on campus this year. Measles and mumps both spread across campus like a tidal wave, albeit a tidal wave that would have been completely preventable had a sufficient number of us listened to modern science. But… Read More A BAD CASE OF TRUMPS: Disease Identification And Prevention
FRANKFORT, KY — Hello there, fellow Kentuckians. As some of you may have heard, I’m your Governor now. I’d like to thank the hundreds tens ones of supporters who showed up to vote me into office. Now, I’ve heard there have been some rumors stirring among you unwashed masses about how I was elected with… Read More Bevin: “STOP BEING POOR”
Recent advances in the field of genealogy have provided overwhelming evidence that shows Bernie Sanders, presidential candidate, was switched at birth with Clarence Edward Sanders, the alleged younger brother of Harland “Colonel” Sanders. Colonel reporters recently interviewed Makupa Histrie, one of the genealogy interns involved in the Sanders Project. “Well, the evidence we’ve found so… Read More When Genealogists Found This Searching Bernie Sanders’ Family History… They Couldn’t Believe Their Family Tree! Number Eleven Will Shock, Amaze, and PENETRATE Your BRAIN!!!
The UK Colonel 