The Colonel’s Tips For Surviving Finals!

Alas, finals are upon us like the proverbial end times. As the hellfire doth raineth down, we at The Colonel have scoured the land for the finest advice to aid you in your time of need. Behold it and be blesséd.

• Relax, take a breather. Wait, not that long! Welp, now you’ve failed your finals.

• Take as long as you want to read this newspaper now, since you’ve now ruined your scholarship and thusly doomed yourself to a life of drug prostitution.

• Hit the books! Slam your fist against them and curse fate. Alternatively, die.

• Visit the library. Not to study, but to compete for a high score in a rousing game of “How Many People Can You Smash With The Moving Bookshelves?”

• Hone your writing skills by filling out McDonald’s applications. Alternatively, write your own will.

• Take a break to go do some yoga at the Johnson Center. Nothing says “relaxation” like forcing your limbs into awkward and painful positions in a room full of sweaty strangers.

• Collect your tears in a tiny glass vial and use them to add some semblance of flavor to your meal from UK Dining. Alternatively, die of dehydration.

• Embrace the spirit of dead week by summoning a vengeful spirit from the great beyond to free us from our earthly torments. Alternatively, die.

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