This past Tuesday, UK Dining employees appealed an official complaint to Aramark, complaining that they have been having difficulties removing the emaciated (yet organically herbivorous) forms of dead vegans from the floor of Fresh Food Company.
“We know that Aramark’s priorities focus on inconveniencing students as much as possible,” said the janitor organizing the official complaints. “But we’re tired of scraping dead vegans and vegetarians off of the floor in front of the permanentlyempty vegan food station, and we want our bosses to take our difficulties into account before they go around advertising things like vegan food options.”
This statement was met with cheers from other workers in the cafeteria, who were working together to peel several partially-mummified bodies from the cold, heartless tile floor. This should come as no surprise to anyone who regularly eats at Fresh Food Company, as it is common knowledge that the pride and joy of UK Dining is causing students to starve to death. On any given day, two or more rotting, skeletal corpses can be seen in front of the widely-advertised Vegan Foods station.
Said one student, “It just doesn’t feel like lunch if I’m not watching a couple of students Janitors Tired Of Prying Starved Vegans Off Floor waste away slowly, while the vultures in the rafters caw down at them, screeching of impending doom, you know?”
“It really reinforces the atmosphere UK Dining is going for,” agreed another student. “Watching students with specific dietary restrictions spasm on the floor due to a complete lack of energy just sets the mood for a good semi-healthy breakfast.”
Most of the students who have wasted away and died while waiting for food have been found in such a state of malformed decay that the university has been unable to identify the corpses. UK Dining officials recently announced their decision to give up identifying the vegan husks, and instead plan to recycle them. The cooked vegans will be served right next to the explicitly non-vegan rolls that are always available in the vegan foods station.
“If we can’t serve vegan food,” reported Aramark employee Fant Zapa, “we can at least serve vegans as food. It is a cruel irony, no? If the vegans mistake the new “vegan food” for food they can eat, they won’t starve, but if they notice, they’re forced to suffer, spending their last moments staring their mortality in the face, ensuring we never run out of ingredients!” Fant Zapa then laughed manically and scurried back into his lair.
By Nadia Geddit