Last month, the Great Bluegrass Stockyard Fire of 2016 set the hearts of Lexington aflame with compassion for the poor lost bovine souls within. The pillars of smoke could be seen for miles, even on the UK campus, though the true cause of the fire remained unknown for several hours.
“I figured it was a more extreme version of the Legendary Runaway Cow Of 2015,” said Olivia O’Leary, a psychology major. “Rather than just one cow escaping its unfortunate end and causing hilarious UK Alerts in the middle of class, the dozens of cows at the stockyard must have herd the call of the wild and decided it was time to band together and moooove on. They wanted to all escape together, and really steer their lives in a more exciting direction.”
“Actually, I think it was the ghost of the cow that started the Great Chicago Fire, trying to start beef with the farmers of Kentucky as some sort of misguided revenge,” said Bessie Bluesnout, a freshman with a gold nose ring.
“I can confirm that the actual source of the fire was, in fact, my mixtape. Because it is fire. In that it destroys valuable property and livestock, and smells like funky fresh rhymes. Just like all fires do,” said Jeff Stephenson, whom we did not actually ask to comment, and who simply felt like he should chime in and waste our reporter’s valuable time. Stupid Jeff.
“Maybe the cows were just trying to drive away! I read a book about that one time. It had a lot of pictures. It was nice. I didn’t even know cows cud drive! They probably just crashed their Cattle-ac and then the explosion reacted badly with all the builtup methane,” speculated a Mr. F. Arthur, a UK Dining employee, as he prepared a three-bean “vegetarian” chili.
“Wait, why’d you write ‘Stupid Jeff’ in your cow fire article? That was fucking funny! This is bullshit,” said a source that shall remain unnamed, and who also is Jeff.
“A big part of the problem was that ‘cow’ and ‘couch’ sound very similar,” confirmed Fire Chief Ron Burlyman. “Roundabout these here parts, people set couches on fire all the time, so we didn’t really rush to put that out, figurin’ we’d just wait until March Madness started and put out all the couch fires at once, to save time. But then, ohhh then,” the fireman shuddered as he remembered the day of the fire.
“The milk contained within the poor burning cows’ udders began to shake, as the cows mooved about in distress, really trying to hoof it out of there. And when that milk shook, all us boys were called, against our wills, to the yard. The stockyard, that is.”
“It was fuckin’ weird,” said Daphne Blazem, the resident firewoman. “Their eyes all glazed over and they just walked like frikkin’ zombies to the stockyard. I was the only one who thought to bring the damn fire truck. I swear, they’re lucky to have me around. I mean, it didn’t help the cows none. They’re still pretty dead. But we put out the fire, at least.”
“What do I think about the cow fire? I think that journalists make me horny. Ha ha, get it? Because cows have horns? Or maybe that’s bulls. Wait, come back! I’m trying to flirt with you,” said some asshole with a BA in BS, who is definitely Jeff.
“Yeah, the fire was actually started when some PETA activist threw a fake cow over the wall of the stockyard in what they claim was an attempt to save the ‘potential unborn cows’ inside the cows at the stockyard from certain death and all that. The fake cow was filled with lit explosives, though, so really they just ended up killing twenty cows. Not sure they thought that plan of theirs through,” said stockyard owner Butch Erthem.
Thoughtfully, UK Alerts sent out a message the night after the fire was extinguished, waking students up at 3 AM with an informative phone call that reminded students that they were not currently in danger of being set on fire.
By Rosie Summers