Ask Jeff: Sexiest Than Sex

Hey there. I’m Jeff, and you’ll never see a cooler advice column this side of the Mississippi. Or the other side of the Mississippi. Basically, I’m the bee’s knees. The cat’s pajamas. The dog’s shit. But like, cool shit. Shit that’s steaming with good advice and masculinity. Anyway. I, too, give advice of the romance variety. So you should send me questions and stuff, at theukcolonel@gmail. com. Not Steph. Don’t send her anything. Make her feel sad and alone.

Dear Jeff,

Why don’t my pickup lines work on girls? I’m making them as forward and inappropriate as possible, but it’s still not working. My question is: what are the objectively best magic words I can say to make women sleep with me?

—Not Ted

Dear Ted,

In your question, you seemed to be making the assumption that good pickup lines will always work on any woman. This assumption is correct, of course, but your lines are clearly just bad. Try to say something clever about the location you’re meeting her in. For example, if you see a girl studying and minding her own business in Willy T, the best and most appropriate thing you can do is approach her directly and ask, “Hey, why don’t you let me stick my Willy in your T?” I mean, I have no idea what the “T” stands for in this scenario, but the “Willy” makes sense at least, so this should give you at least a 50% chance at the sex.


Dear Jeff,

There’s this girl I like, but I don’t think she’s into me. What can I do to change that?

—Perpetually Unloved

Dear Loser,

Go out and buy a big motorcycle with unnecessarily loud engines. Chicks dig that stuff, and you will be able to sex. Remember: the louder the motorcycle, the bigger the penis. Alternatively, get a car with incredibly loud subwoofers. Loudly blast hip-hop music with the most misogynistic lyrics you can find as you drive down University Drive. The females will flock to you like birds to the Willy T area.



Dear Jeff,

I want to get a tattoo so that I seem more manly and mysterious, but I don’t know exactly what tattoo to get in order to attract the optimum amount of females. Suggestions?

—Glarthnorr, Lord of Darkness

Dear Lorde,

All tattoos are sexy. The more overt, the better. Get, for example, a Celtic knot—on your face. Or like, a flaming electric guitar—on your face. Or a picture of a dragon’s face —on your face. You could even tattoo your face on other parts of your body, like your arm, or your chest, or your face. You could even get a tattoo of the girl-you’re-trying-to-woo’s
face on your face. Or get a tattoo of your face on the face of the girl you’re trying to woo. Although, don’t do both of those at the same time, because then the tattoo of the girl’s face on your face will also include the tattoo of your face on her face, and it’ll just be an infinite loop of faces on faces on faces, until the faces get smaller and smaller and you end up with an infinite density of tattoo faces on your nose, which creates a black hole, and sucks in your face, as well as the faces of everyone else on earth, and everyone dies. So don’t do that. But yeah. Something face-related.



Dear Jeff,

Recently, a girl wrapped in several dozen of what appeared to be cow tongues picked me up and carried me around for several weeks. She refused to answer my persisting queries as to her motives for the entire time that she was carrying me. Whenever I tried to speak up and ask her, she just used her tongue-decked shoulder to lick me into submission. She then, out of the blue, put me down, insulted me for several minutes, then squelched off into the night. I haven’t seen her since, as of yet. My question is: What did I do to deserve this, and how would you suggest I avoid any equally terrifying experiences in the future?


Dear Licky,

Womenfolk are strange and fickle creatures, and nobody knows what one might do when she becomes attracted to you. The simplest way to avoid this is to purposely make yourself as unattractive as possible. There are several ways to do this. You could adopt horrible political views and share them with everyone you know/don’t know. Whenever a womanfolk attempts to conversate with you, for example, immediately share your strong views on abortion. If, after a few seconds, she seems to respond relatively positively, rather than negatively as you had hoped, simply say, “JK! Gotcha! Can you believe that anybody would think that?” You can also, of course, repel womenfolk by spraying yourself with bug repellant. It’s normally meant to affect only bugs, but a sufficient level of bug repellant should repel all organisms, alive or dead. This method is particularly effective on those womenfolk who are adorned with tongues, as it makes you taste bad to pick up.


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