Are you searching for a hopeless romantic or a sexy sultry someone? Alfredo the Romance Guru is here to predict your future and help you find the perfect date!

1. Your idea of a perfect date is…

A) a romantic picnic by the toxic waste dump. …unless your mom doesn’t feel like having company today.
B) Netflix and chilling, at -273.149999 degrees Celsius.
C) a gondola ride through Willy Wanker’s dildo factory.
D) doing nothing and dying alone.

2. When you serenade your significant other with an original song, you always make sure to…

A) praise their enormous, hairless elbows.
B) double-check that you’ve gotten their name right before writing the song, as you’ve learned from your mistakes of the past.
C) sing it backwards so your date is sure to hear all the satanic offerings you’ve made in their name to the great daemon Cupid.
D) include a verse about dying alone.

3. Your ideal date weather is…

A) smog.
B) Hurricane Sandy.
C) deceptively delightful sunlight that slowly destroys your skin cells, causing slight yet irrevocable damage with every passing moment.
D) the dark void of dying alone.

4. The quality you value most in a partner is…

A) matches your carpeting.
B) unique texture.
C) good renal sacs.
D) ability to die alone.

5. Your favorite sex move is…

A) inside-out cowgirl.
B) rock-paper-scissoring.
C) the Richard M. Nixon.
D) dying alone.

Results:

If you answered mostly A’s: You will die alone.
If you answered mostly B’s: You will die alone.
If you answered mostly C’s: You will die alone.
If you answered mostly D’s: You will die alone.

…ah, romance.

By: Alfredo and Rosie Summers