Alas, finals are upon us like the proverbial end times. As the hellfire doth raineth down, we at The Colonel have scoured the land for the finest advice to aid you in your time of need. Behold it and be blesséd. • Relax, take a breather. Wait, not that long! Welp, now you’ve failed your… Read More The Colonel’s Tips For Surviving Finals!
LEXINGTON, KY– This past Tuesday, UK Dining employees appealed an official complaint to Aramark, complaining that they have been having difficulties removing the emaciated (yet organically herbivorous) forms of dead vegans from the floor of Fresh Food Company. “We know that Aramark’s priorities focus on inconveniencing students as much as possible,” said the janitor organizing… Read More Janitors Tired Of Prying Starved Vegans Off Floor
LEXINGTON, KY- Last month, the Great Bluegrass Stockyard Fire of 2016 set the hearts of Lexington aflame with compassion for the poor lost bovine souls within. The pillars of smoke could be seen for miles, even on the UK campus, though the true cause of the fire remained unknown for several hours. “I figured it… Read More PETA Has Beef With Stockyard, Mis-Steaks Were Made
Hey there. I’m Jeff, and you’ll never see a cooler advice column this side of the Mississippi. Or the other side of the Mississippi. Basically, I’m the bee’s knees. The cat’s pajamas. The dog’s shit. But like, cool shit. Shit that’s steaming with good advice and masculinity. Anyway. I, too, give advice of the romance… Read More Ask Jeff: Sexiest Than Sex
Hey there, womenfolk. And non-womenfolk. And menfolk. And non-menfolk. My name is Steph, and I’m here to give you some lip-smackin’ romance advice. Send your love woes and lust throes to theukcolonel@ gmail.com, and I’ll write back in the next edition, you ravishing creature. Mwah! Dear Steph, I usually go to class wearing a single… Read More Ask Steph: Sexier Than Sex
Are you searching for a hopeless romantic or a sexy sultry someone? Alfredo the Romance Guru is here to predict your future and help you find the perfect date! 1. Your idea of a perfect date is… A) a romantic picnic by the toxic waste dump. …unless your mom doesn’t feel like having company today.… Read More Alfredo’s Saucy Romance Quiz
The UK Colonel 