Can Biden Still Run?

WASHINGTON, D.C.-

With the presidential campaign charging full steam ahead this year, most Democrats have already decided who they will be backing in the months to come. Some voters will “Feel the Bern” and others will insist you “Get your Clint-on,” but many are left wondering whether or not another candidate may throw his hat in the ring.

This sleeper, who, according to all reports, is tirelessly working on honing his napping skill set, has as many qualifications as he has years of age—specifically, 73. This dated Democrat is, of course, none other than the exceedingly sexy vice presidential incumbent Joe Biden.

After serving as the vice president for nearly eight years, Biden has had immense practice dealing with bickering children—or, as the American public calls them, Congress. This has given Biden loads of experience that can be channeled into the thankless task of handling the average American voter.

Additionally, years of fetching President Obama’s coffee, one of the most important tasks of any vice president, has conditioned Biden to a point where he feels that his leg muscles are adequate enough to run alongside these younger candidates.

Despite his qualifications, Biden finds stiff competition in his opponents. When asked how he felt about his competitors, Biden had this to say: “My competition is simply not as flexible as I am. I make sure to fit in thirty minutes of stretches before, after, and during every meeting.”

Supporters of Biden praise his active approach toward both politics and life, and are in agreement that if he looks at our country the way he looks lovingly at Obama, then he can do no wrong. Conversely, if he looks at the country the way he looks “lovingly” at certain young women, there may be cause for concern.

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If these presidential ambitions falter, Biden believes that all of his combined characteristics—his active lifestyle, experience with Congress, rippling leg muscles, and, perhaps most important of all, his unrivaled friendship-bracelet-making skills—will help him transition to what he feels is his true calling: A summer camp counselor. While he may have chosen a political path for the time being, Biden is well-suited for the intensive world of camp counseling, and is excited for any opportunity to show off the buff legs that prove that, no matter what his opponents say, he most certainly can still run.

By Justin Case

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