All The Sports That’s Fit To Sports

Calipari Apologizes to Fans for Failing to Blow 20-Point Lead

John-Calipari

Despite his best efforts, John Calipari was unable to chip away at the 20-point lead his team had built in the first half of last week’s game. “Normally,” said a flustered Calipari, “we like to build a false sense of confidence in our fans, only to swiftly and fantastically piss it away. Tonight, our shots just kept falling, and we couldn’t… [Calipari forcefully wipes sweat] we just couldn’t seem to break down defensively.”


Matt Bevin Budget Cuts Deep; UK Athletes Forced to Relinquish Golf Cart Privileges

As if the heavy-handed hoverboard ban wasn’t enough of an injustice, UK Athletes will now have to forgo their costly golf carriages and physically walk to class. The UK Athletics Department has made an alternative suggestion to the UK Finance Committee to instead redirect the budget alteration to “Athlete Class Attendance Cuts.”


U of L Basketball Sucks; Players Perform Oral Sex to Cope with Postseason Ban 

Masquerade A10.JPG

In light of their ban from postseason play, U of L players have decided to do a play of their own: Oral Sex. Oral Sex is an original piece of literature, written and edited by esteemed author Rick Pitino, that follows the story of a troubled young basketball program as it is unfairly punished for standard recruiting practices.


 

Cam Newton Unable to Dab Away His Tears as USS Bandwagon Sinks Off Coast of North Carolina

Thousands of passengers were found fleeing the scene Monday as a massive load of salt spilled from the sinking USS Bandwagon. The only comment on the scene:

“PUPPY.

MONKEY.

BABY.”

By Johntavius Cena III

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