No New Parking For Next 10,000 Years

LEXINGTON, KY-

In a press conference last week, the University of Kentucky announced that it would double down on its firm commitment to continue not building any new parking structures. The university also promised to demolish all current parking structures by the year 2017.

Said one university official: “Who needs parking lots when you can just have other things instead? Like a Panera or something? Just kidding. There will never be a Panera. That was a joke. We here at the UK administration like to make jokes. Like ethics. Ha! We are going to build more dorms, though. We don’t have enough of those yet. The university will be building Woodland Glens 6-23 over the summer, without rushing construction at all. We promise that, this time, the electrical outlets, plumbing, and Wi-Fi will all be at least partially inside the building. All dorms will be built right where K Lot used to be, after we burn it to the ground.”

Another official, bursting with enthusiasm for the oncoming “aparkalypse,” succinctly summarized the university’s plan for its remaining parking lots by promising to “do ‘em like we done Student Center parking.” In fact, given the lack of any rational reason for the complete demolition of a perfectly good Student Center, many have been speculating that the sole reason for said demolition was to deny parking to students. We asked a flock of university officials about this theory.

“Yep, that’s the reason,” they responded. “That’s why we did it. It was a prank. You just got prank’d, bro! Epic, super sick, having-to-park-in-K-lot prank!” The university officials all then exchanged high-fives.

Such a response is consistent with the University’s known pro-joking policy. But, although it was, indeed, an epic prank, was this the sole reason behind all of the university’s anti-parking activities? We spoke to University President Elly Clap-a-tuto about the rationale behind this anti-parking crusade. He explained the economics behind the decision: “If we still have students with enough money to have a car, then clearly we’re not charging enough for tuition.” Capillary then proceeded to laugh maniacally before transfiguring himself into squirrel form and scampering off.

This anti-disposable-income agenda of the university has been supplemented by various pro-walking propaganda signs, placed strategically around campus. These signs display messages of encouragement to those poor, car-less souls who have to trudge despairingly through life, without even the comforting warmth of a flaming hoverboard.

Examples of these messages include: “It’s only a 10-minute walk to buy groceries,” and “It’s only a 15-minute walk to outrun your crushing existential despair,” and “It’s only a 20-minute walk to get to the other side of Woodland Glen 3,” and “It’s only a 30-minute walk to eat at Panera. JK.”

However, it seems that the university may not actually need to demolish the parking structures and convert them to dorm buildings. Due to the increasing prices of housing and the delayed building of Woodland Glens 6-23, many students have already been renting out parking spots as rooms to stay in.

“It’s cheaper than a dorm room,” one student explained, “and about the same size. And I don’t just get my own bathroom; the whole world’s my bathroom now. Plus, it gets you out in the open air. And, I mean, it’s not that bad. At least it’s not Blanding.”

By Philly Le’Phlumph

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