Last Tuesday, a group of UK climate researchers returned from a climatology research seminar and conference with some very bad news. They held a press conference on campus to share the conclusions that climatologists nationwide have reached.
According to the scientists’ briefing, “We’re scientists, okay? So we can’t exactly tell you to, like, go full throttle when it comes to your use of fossil fuels. We can’t tell you to, say, go outside and light a big old pile of coal on fire.” After several minutes of listing drastic ways that individuals could, if they so desired, increase fossil fuel emissions (including driving a Hummer, owning a large manufacturing business, or lighting forest fires in the Amazon) the scientists shared their real news.
“We’re all pretty old,” said one scientist, scratching the back of her neck awkwardly. “And, like, climate change feels really nice. I mean, come on, UK Climatologists: “Honestly, Climate Change Is Kinda Nice” it’s, like, seventy degrees in February, how is that not fun?” The other scientists in attendance started nodding, and several of the attending journalists made thoughtful noises in apparent agreement.
“I know that this sounds bad, but to be quite honest, climate change is pretty nice!”
At this time, several local meteorologists crashed the press conference, attacking the scientific integrity of the climatologists and stating that making value judgements on weather patterns was a “total copycat move” on the part of the climatologists.
It is unclear what effect this new approach from the climatological community will have on environmental policy. However, several Congressmen who were previously climate change deniers have already declared their new, pro-climate-change positions, indicating that the climatologists may just have their way.
Byline: Nadia Geddit