News In Brief: All The Sports That’s Fit To Sports

green guy

Thanksgiving Reports of Aaron Rodgers Swearing on Live Mic After Missed Snap Deemed False; Audio Confirmed to Actually be the Collective Consciousness of Enraged Fantasy Football Owners, YOU CLUMSY MOTHERFUCKER

YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING – HOW ARE YOU NOT USED TO TAKING GODDAMN SNAPS?

old

Local Granny Performs Clean Sweep at International Shot-Put Competition

“Your face is next,” said Granny Olga. Probably. The reporter we sent to interview her didn’t quite make it back, but I assume she lays down some burns of similar caliber before her subsequent smack-downs.

 

champs

UK Football Seals the Victory; Dominating Performance Overwhelms All Opposition

Lol, nope–our football team still sucks. As consolation, here’s what actual victory looks like from a similarly-named team in the similarly-named sport of fútbol.

 

lady

Ronda Rousey Encouraged Online After Tough Loss; Male Fans Claim They Also Wouldn’t Last More Than Six Minutes with Holly Holm

 

blue

Qatar Announces Partnership with Aramark to Maximize Death Toll Leading into 2022 World Cup

“We’ve just seen what excellent work they’ve done to promote human suffering.” claimed an anonymous Qatar official. “I truly feel that, with our combined efforts, we can help to make this world a shittier place.”

By Johntavius Cena III

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