Education For Young Ladies: Regarding The Fruitfulness Of Their Wombs

A Conversation With The Colonel

Why hello there, sweetheart. Here at the UK Colonel, we like to say that we “safeguard the status quo,” and in my position as Colonel, I personally make sure that that quo doesn’t go to any parties with questionable figures, wearing miniature-skirts or somesuch.

It has come to my attention that some of you young ladies out there feel that the government’s decision to shut down Planned Parenthood will have negative effects on women’s sexual health and education. Not to worry, darlings. Your dear old Uncle Colonel is here to dispense the facts and combat the nasty misinformation that is flying about. As such, I am here to illuminate the mystery of pregnancy for my female readers. No, don’t laugh—I didn’t mean to imply that women are reading this—how nice of your husband to have brought a newspaper home for you to look at the pictures, Sally!

If you are an unmarried young woman, take heed!

Causes of Pregnancy:

1. Reading
2. Looking at a book
3. Talking to Men
4. Talking to other women about a topic other than your husband
5. Thinking about voting
6. If thinking about voting, thinking about voting for someone who isn’t Republican
7. Using tampons
8. Eating bananas
9. Wearing trousers
10. Holding hands for too long
11. Showing ankle
12. Allowing a Man to realize that you have ankles
13. Tattoos
14. Cutting your hair
15. Failing to spit on a f*minist
16. Not learning to cook
17. Attending college
18. Thinking about science
19.Using the word “ind*pendent”
20. Listening to pop music
21. Taking birth control
22. Thinking about birth control
23. Saying the phrase “Pl*nned Par*nthood”
24. Laughing too exuberantly
25. Laughing
26. Being within 100 feet of a Victoria’s Secret
27.Wearing a bikini
28.Wearing brassieres with underwire
29.Talking about wearing brassieres
30. Discussing menstru*tion

These, of course, are not the full list of causes of pregnancy, but the thirty most common, all based on scientific evidence, which I know about because I am a Man. Unmarried young women, take care not to stray, and do hurry up and procure that MRS Degree before you turn into a dreaded Spinster.

By The Colonel

Transcribed by Petunia Frisbie

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