Students have wondered for literal years about the real purpose behind all of the construction taking place at the University of Kentucky, and now, thanks to some Very Legal Sneaky Spying—er, reporting—on the part of our writers, all has finally been revealed. As our star reporter crouched behind a pile of rubble with her handy-dandy journalism journal handy, she watched our noble and ancient president cavorting gleefully through the rubble like a Scrooge McDuck of rocks, before collapsing to the ground and wailing mournfully.
“It has to be somewhere, it just has to!” Capilouto reportedly howled at the moon, before getting up and sorting through piles of bricks and dirt with renewed fervor, muttering all the while. “The prophecies said the great treasure was buried here for the chosen old white male to find, as long as he wore a suitable treasure-hunting outfit. IS MY SEXY FEDORA INSUFFICIENT?!” Capilouto bayed at the skies.
According to our reporter, Capilouto does not know what he is looking for, but has decided to hire others to dig up the entire campus on the slim chance that he will find a great treasure. “Maybe it’s the real lost ark, or, or, the Holy Quail, or the Sudar—Sudan—Soodor— that Jesus sweat cloth thing!”
As of press time, Capilouto had unearthed a cloak of invisibility underneath what used to be Donovan Hall, found two other deathly hallows under the former student center, and dug up some kind of ocarina appearing to possess temporal powers beneath the remnants of K Lot, but discarded all of them in disgust before finding King Tut’s used royal condoms and scampering off to sell them on eBay.
By Rosie Summers