Students Care More About Money Than The Joy of Knowledge

LEXINGTON, KY–

On Thursday, The Official UK Textbook-Related Announcements Administration announced, among other things, that they would be requiring a new edition of Calculus textbooks for the coming semester. This has sparked complaints among students who don’t fully understand the true value of knowledge.

These students have complained that now they will have to spend more money buying newer editions, when the older editions would supposedly have been just as good, and that this, somehow, is “unreasonable.” The administration, however, expertly handled these objections.

“The main reason behind this decision,” a spokesperson for the administration explained, “is that there have just been so many advancements in the fields of Calculus 1 and 2 in the past year, and we feel like we’d be cheating our students if we didn’t update our textbooks to change with the times.”

Even after this explanation, however, many students remained unconvinced. These students raised concerns that these textbooks are unjustifiably expensive, under the deluded assumption that the value of their wallets could even remotely be compared to the value of their minds. “If you look at the trends over the past few years, textbook prices have gotten prohibitively expensive, to the point where a semester’s worth of textbooks today can cost approximately as much as a semester of higher education in the sixties,” one student, a nerd, commented.

The administration countered this objection as well: “They’re priced exactly according to how much knowledge they contain. So you know that you’re getting the best.” When asked to elaborate further, the administration added: “Oh, there’s this complicated equation used to calculate knowledge. You wouldn’t understand it. Unless, of course, you buy the textbook.”

But even equipped with the understanding that, without the new textbook edition, they were hopelessly out of their depth in these matters, some students’ doubts could not be assuaged. These students have questioned whether any textbooks are even necessary at all for a college education in subjects such as Calculus in this day and age, seeing as any material in the textbooks could easily be found online. In a last-ditch effort to hold on to their fleeting material wealth, they have resorted to protesting against the idea that they need to buy any textbook whatsoever.

“What’s the point?” one student naively queried. “I mean, there’s absolutely no way that the actual market value of the–“ Unfortunately, this student’s interview was cut short, due to a tragic heart attack. He should have bought UK’s health textbook in order to avoid this accident. These are available in Kennedy’s Bookstore for the bargain price of 499.99. Get one before it’s too late.

Although, indeed, several of the students making this point met untimely and totally accidental ends, the administration, in all their wisdom and mercy, still saw fit to address the point that students may not even need to buy a textbook: “Well, of course you don’t need to buy one. In fact, we encourage you not to buy one. Why buy one when you can buy two? Or three? Or twenty? Think of how much knowledge you could get from twenty textbooks! Twenty times the price, twenty times the knowledge, you know. That’s just math. Actually, that’s a good idea. Hey, Jerry? Can we require students to buy multiple textbooks? We should do that. Get on it, Jerry.”

As of press time, the administration was preparing an announcement, to be released next Thursday, about the new textbook quantity requirements for the upcoming spring semester.

By Phillly Le’Phlumph

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