Raptor’s Free Rides Cause Dissension In Local Woodland Creature Community

LEXINGTON, KY–

In a grand display of kindness and community, local raptor Hank Hawk is now offering his superb flying services to all squirrels, chipmunks, small birds, and rabbits across campus. Though the bird has tried to keep his nonprofit operation under wraps, our reporters have discovered that the free trips, which have been going on since late fall, start in the Quad and comprise of a leisurely loop around the William T. Young Library and the Woodland Glen dorm complexes before coming to a gentle stop atop Parking Structure 2.

We were unable to obtain interviews with any of the hawk’s patrons, but we talked to a few local families about their feelings on this issue. “We’re just so worried about our son,” divulged Dalton Deer. “We always told him to stay away from strangers, but those rides look so fun that we are afraid he might disobey us and try to get a spot on the next hawk-flight.”

Others seem to have a different view on the subject. “I’m just pissed off that he [the hawk] is only giving rides to small members of our community,” raged one raccoon. This particular resident wished to stay anonymous, but had no problem voicing his opinions to our reporters. “It’s just so size-ist, you know? Why can’t he take some of the larger animals? It’s not like he couldn’t carry them; have you seen those beefy wings of his? I just don’t know why he thinks he can get away with such blatant discrimination.”

When questioned about his inability to include all members of the community in his activities, Hank Hawk gave a haughty shrug and flapped his wings several times before replying. “How the fuck do you think I’d be able to carry them?! The damn raccoons are like furry footballs; you can’t possibly sink your talons into something that round! And the deer are so big that I’d never be able to finish all of their tender, juicy meat before they started to spoil! And don’t even get me started on those squirmy foxes!”

Upon seeing the terrified look on our reporter’s face, Mr. Hawk hastened to amend his story. “What I meant was, um, that the bigger animals couldn’t possibly fit into the perfectly safe and totally non-lethal basket I use to gently secure and carry the smaller animals. I’m working on recruiting some friends for my business, so maybe we can work out a team system to carry the bigger ones. But right now, I would like to focus my efforts on the tastier–-I mean tinier-– members of our community.” Sadly, our reporter was unable to finish the interview with Mr. Hawk due to an immediate need to interview the grieving families of several missing squirrels and chipmunks.

By N. V. Crusher

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