Bevin Wins Governor’s Race, Fixes Kentucky


This November, Kentuckians turned out to polls in the thousands hundreds ones in order to elect the next governor of Kentucky. This surging trickle of voters eager to actually participate in the democratic process chose Matt Bevin as Kentucky’s newest governor. Yes, out of the three candidates of Matt Bevin, Jack Conway, and Drew Curtis, Matt Bevin was declared the victor by a surprisingly large margin. Upon being elected, Bevin thanked the good Christian folks who voted for Jesus’s favorite candidate and apologized to those who wanted one of those unAmerican heathens who wanted other candidates for governor. He then immediately went to work fulfilling his campaign promise to demolish all hospitals and poor people in Kentucky.

Initial polls predicted a much lower margin of victory for this election, and, as such, many political analysts are attributing Bevin’s victory to the record low voter turnout. In fact, according to our reports, only four people in the entire state of Kentucky voted in this past election. These people are reported to have been Matt Bevin, Jack Conway, Drew Curtis, and Drew Curtis’s mother, the deciding vote.

When asked about why she voted for Bevin, Curtis’s mother replied: “Well, Curtis was my top choice, being my son and all, but he was running as an independent, and I didn’t want my vote to be a throwaway. You just need to be affiliated with a party to be politically viable as a candidate in this current environment, you know? And I was right, look: he didn’t win. Way to go, son. You disappointed your mother once again.”

Speaking of disappointed mothers, the mothers of many Syrian refugee children recently learned that not only did none of their children become the governor of Kentucky, but they may not be welcome in the state at all. As one of his first acts as governor, Matt Bevin announced that Kentucky would not be accepting any refugees from the crisis in Syria, in order to keep Muslims terrorists out of the state. Bevin confidently made this declaration even though such a decision is not really even within the jurisdiction of a governor, but it was one of his first days on the job, so most people cut him some slack and just let it happen. Bevin justified this decision as governor using the oftrecited “M&M Analogy,” in which saving a suffering family is equated to eating a piece of candy.

“It’s like this,” Bevin explained. “If you had a bowl of M&Ms, right, and due to your preexisting cultural prejudices, you assumed that, despite an elaborate and intensive M&M screening process, many of them were probably poisoned, would you eat any of them? That’s what I thought.” Upon making this analogy, in the interest of consistency, Bevin also announced that he was banning all M&M imports into the state of Kentucky. “Can’t take any chances. I would never do anything to endanger the lives of innocent Kentuckians,” Bevin commented, while personally wrestling heart medication out of the hands of poor, elderly citizen Agnes Dottier.

After this incident, we interviewed Dottier to hear her thoughts on the situation. “I just want to say thank you, Governor,” the feeble old woman said, smiling toothlessly. “I’m so glad to have someone watching out for the people of Kentucky.”

By Philly Le’Phlumph

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